Unraveling

I'm in a slump. I'm not always unhappy, but what joy I do experience is transient. I'm putting things off in a big way. Important things that very likely could get me out of this slump, even. But I'm experiencing some pretty crippling apathy, an all too common problem of mine. Jobless, single, living at home again. I have aspirations but an unwillingness to pursue them out of fear of failure. Out of fear of trying, even. There is a thin layer of panic in there somewhere but its buried by numbness.

Still, I find ways to occupy my time. I've been finding a LOT of meaningless things to do to pass the time as I sit here in the miserable heat of this room. I've played (and finished) a lot of video games recently. I played a couple of NES RPGs and one for Super Nintendo. It's interesting to play through these games and think about their value in the context of when they were released. I love to see how things are designed. Games have always been really compelling to me because they blend so many different media. Music, sound effects, story, gameplay. Its all there, even if most games emphasize certain elements much more than others. Music in older games is simple, melodic. They didn't have much to work with in 8-bit sound so they had to make it count. Much of this music is very memorable. To this day I still recall Mario, Zelda, and Mega Man tunes that I only heard a handful of times (although let's be honest, I've heard them a lot by now).

Even more interesting is playing a game that hasn't stood the test of time. Some games aren't popular for a reason. Crystalis is an example of an underrated gem but Faria: A World of Mystery and Danger is not. Both tackle similar tropes, but Crystalis wins by far in execution. Neither are perfect games, but Crystalis is infinitely more playable and cleverly designed. Although I'm a big Final Fantasy fan, I enjoyed Crystalis more than the original Final Fantasy--or Dragon Quest for that matter. These two games are infinitely more popular and spawned dozens of sequels. Why is this? Marketing must surely play a part. Sometimes it's not enough to just make a good game, I guess.

I've written a few (currently unpublished) reviews for these games and I think they're reasonably well-written. I've experimented with hosting them online and even spent an entire evening boning up on my CSS to make my own webpage. I long for some sort of creative outlet but despite being relatively pleased with my work I can't help but think that there's no audience for it. I understand that's not the point but I'm at a time in my life where I feel I desperately need validation. It's a little disingenuous to only produce something when you know you're going to get something out of it, but I can't really help the way I feel. It's probably true that I just need to write and create without worrying about whether or not my work will be appreciated. In the end, it's more for me than for anyone else. I'm not performing an invaluable service--yet so much of what I do seems pointless and completely without meaning that it would be nice to be appreciated for something I've done for once.

Every time I've created something people approve of (even if it's just an upvoted post on Reddit), it brings me immense satisfaction. I crave that feeling. Even so, I know instinctively that I can't let that be my primary motivator. I'm extraordinarily narcissistic and I accept that. What I need to learn is how to create things just for my own fulfillment. There's no reason not to share my creations, but I can't let it get me down if no one really cares about what I do. I want to write articles that I find interesting. I don't want to have to worry about whether or not other people find the subject of discussion boring. I would love to stimulate discussions but if I can't do that then so be it.