Daylight (Day 24)

Welp, I've got a nice four-day stretch of free time to look forward to. Apparently I'm going to be working at a different store than usual next week (one I've never been to) but it will result in me getting slightly more hours. I think it would be in my best interests to try to regulate my sleep schedule, but my attempt to do so last night was a gigantic failure. I went to bed at around midnight and intended to fall asleep by about 2 AM. After lying still for an interminable period of time I gave up completely and ended up staying up until 8. Drinking three energy drinks at work that day probably did me no favors in that regard.

So here's what I'm going to do over the next few days.

• Keep running/walking every night, trying to get a little more distance each time. 
• Finish up all of the storylines in Katawa Shoujo. 
• Finish Baldur's Gate II...? (This one's a big maybe)
• Keep writing these entries!

I think routines are important. For very significant chunks of my life I haven't done any planning and just sort of took things as they came. There is some benefit to this way of thinking, but more often that not it results in not much of anything getting done. But it's more than that, routines help give me a sense of purpose. I know I want to be creative so I write every day. I know I want to get in shape so I run every night. It's so simple I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me before. It's more than just laziness--it's like oblivion. So rarely do I have that clarity of thought to just pursue the obvious. I'm getting better, though. I know that. 

I have dealt with some pretty hardcore self-loathing in the past. I felt hopeless, like I would never figure out how to be comfortable with myself or to make myself better. But I think the answer for me might just be really simple. I can't expect to change overnight, of course. That's silly. Just taking strides to improve, to become what I want to be improves my mood immeasurably. I'm not having some profound, transformative experience right now--I'm just taking steps instead of idling in place. That sensation of being motionless is what really gets to me. I have to feel like I'm moving forward, even if I don't have a particular destination in mind. I don't have a five year plan, but I do have some pretty vague ambitions and a lot of short term goals. And that's far-removed from a couple years ago when I felt like the only thing I had to look forward to was not being at work, when I idly hoped things would improve but didn't feel like effecting a change myself.

These entries are important to chronicle my thoughts at a particular time in my life. It's important for me to remember how I was feeling at certain times, because otherwise I might legitimately forget. I forget things about myself all the time. My thoughts and ideas fade away because I never recorded them. Those thoughts are like little pieces of me that are gone forever. I need an outlet, even if what I'm writing about isn't always that important or profound. If it's something I'm interested in, whether it be my feelings, games, movies, music, or whatever, it's worth writing about. It's important for me to look back and prevent myself from repeating mistakes, or to realize what I'm passionate about when I'm feeling lifeless. The benefits of this exercise are numerous and I'm glad I'm keeping up with it.