Sometimes typing words down is a very hard thing to do! I'm almost three weeks into this exercise and it can still be really hard for me to organize my thoughts and present them effectively. I keep trying to figure out ways to focus but it occurs to me that I'm not actually trying much of anything. I successfully got some sleep last night but in all honesty it didn't seem to help much. Its 2 AM now and I haven't done much of anything. I wanted to make some more progress on BGII. Didn't happen. I wanted to do some writing. Also didn't happen. I did manage to play some League of Legends ranked games earlier and won both of them, so I accomplished...something.
The smart call is to take a shower right now and go to sleep so I don't feel the need to chug energy drinks all day tomorrow at work. I seldom go for the smart call, though, and I imagine I won't be in bed until at least 6 AM--which gives me just enough time to get about four hours of sleep. I place a lot of value on my free time because I imagine there are all these things I could spend it doing--but I so very often run out of motivation to do these things. Is this just what depression is? I'm not particularly unhappy right now. I'm feeling better than I have in quite some time, actually. Things could certainly be better, but I have a job and I'm getting things done. Some days are just so much harder than others, though, and I don't know what to do to rectify that.
How does one feel energized and ready to take on the day? Do you just get up and force yourself to get moving? Is it like when you force yourself to smile and it makes you slightly happier than if you hadn't? Hell, that kind of works for me, so maybe that's what I need to do. There are so many things that I need to do. I need to figure out what I really want to do with my life and decide how I should get there. What seems more important to me now is figuring out just how to be happy with myself. I feel like I can't truly function in society until that happens.
I'm definitely not a big picture kind of guy. I have to break things down into much smaller pieces and organize them in a way that makes sense to me. "How do I be happy" is too complex a question for me, so I start with small, superficial things. I'd be more comfortable if my bedroom was clean. Done! I dread getting up in the morning and showering, so I should start showering at night. Done! I have such a hard time motivating myself to write even though I'd like to do nothing more, so maybe I should force myself to write every day, regardless of content!
Done.
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