City of Echoes (Day 44)

I didn't write an entry before passing out last night and I woke up at 3 AM. I guess I'll have to write two entries over the course of this day.

I can feel myself falling backward again and there's an odd sort of comfort associated with it. It's a sinister sort of comfort because it's the warm embrace of laziness. I'm unemployed and running out of money fast, but it's so easy for me to just sit back and play video games, watch Netflix, and otherwise spend my free time doing nothing. I haven't given up yet, but I feel so dangerously close.

What kind of job is appropriate for me? Is it just an issue of manning up and taking things seriously? Am I not trying hard enough? I have historically handled responsibility poorly. I work well when I am under direct supervision and being told what to do, but when its my job to handle things myself, I put forth a suboptimal performance. I managed to keep a job at Walmart for four years and I have no idea how. This has always been a problem for me. To be perfectly honest, my resignation was at least partially provoked by my fear that I might be fired, although my unhappiness was a large factor as well.

I'm just not where a 25-year-old should be in life. I'm incapable of taking care of myself and I lack the kind of everyday skills that most people have. I'm smart, but that's pretty much all I have going for me. I don't have the kind of qualifications I need to succeed in the workplace, I guess. What kind of job am I suited for? I like to write but when faced with deadlines and the responsibility to perform on my own, I tend to choke. That's not even a good way to make money.

Physical labor would probably be good for me. I worked at a Coke warehouse for one night and it absolutely destroyed me. It was a 12 hour shift and I could barely get through it. I think that if I'd prepared for it, exercised a little and worked on my endurance, I could have been able to bear it. It would have been really tough and I would have been miserable, but I would have made a lot of money and lost a lot of weight. I can't imagine I would have kept the job for long, but it would have been good for me in a lot of ways. But I choked. I gave in to despair and slunk to my knees. I wasn't ready for it, that's true, but did I really put forth the kind of effort I needed to?

I've been inactive for far too long. I'm sedentary. I'm like an astronaut whose muscles have atrophied. It's hard for me to handle really basic physical tasks without getting winded. Working at Family Dollar for two months (and running at night for a few weeks) did wonders for my endurance. Being on my feet all day is no longer a big deal, but I can already feel myself slipping into the same old routines of sitting in front of my computer all day. Even if I'm not working, I should be trying to get outside and exercise at least every other day or so.

I haven't reached much of a conclusion here, but it's important that I think about it. Too often in the past I've blanked my mind and refused to confront my problems. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to go back to those endless lonely days that seem to stretch on into infinity. I have to dig myself out of this somehow. I felt like I was getting so close but I'm sliding back down again.