Come to Light (Day 30)

Thirty days of continuous writing is a pretty good accomplishment for me. Sure, there have been a few days here and there where I phoned it in and didn't write anything substantial, but if you look at this experiment as a whole so far, it's been very successful. I've even opened up and written about some personal stuff. Admittedly it's easier to do when I realize there aren't many folks reading, but I think it still counts that I'm putting it out there.

I'm starting to disassociate writing with anxiety and I'm starting to shed that fear of not being accepted. What I'm saying is genuine, so I can't worry about whether or not people aren't buying it. It's personal and from the heart. I'm passionate about a lot of silly things. I love video games and will discuss them at length. It's liberating to just write about that stuff without worrying about being longwinded or wordy. I just say what I want to say and it feels nice.

That haze that so often clouds my thoughts isn't gone. It's still there and still strikes with a vengeance when the time is right--like now, while I'm exhausted from work and lack of sleep. But when I'm awake and rested? I'm thinking and expressing myself better than ever before. It's so much easier to write about what I feel and have the words that end up on the page accurately represent that. In the past my words would just come out in a jumbled, stilted mess that obscured my meaning for no good reason.

And I feel like I have a lot more to say on so many things. I have stronger opinions. I think they were always there, but when you continually refuse to express your thoughts, your critical thinking skills wither away. My brain turned to mush and I feel like I'm going through this process to reshape it into something recognizable. I'm waking up and becoming more self-aware every day. Sometimes it's not a pleasant thing, but I strongly believe its necessary to get where I want to go. I'm not cool with being complacent anymore.

Regardless of what happens from now on, I'm much more confident about my future. One of the little goals I've been pursuing lately is to avoid saying I'm going to do something without following up on it. If I say I'm going to do something or that I want to do something, I at least have to give it a reasonable attempt. I said I wanted to go on night runs, and I've been doing that just about every night since. I'm going to start setting a lot more goals for myself over the coming months. I'm going to become a new me, and that's a little scary, but necessary to insure that I dig myself out of this rut.