Dulcinea (Day 55)

Every day I wake up and think "there isn't possibly anything I could write about today." And yet, I somehow always manage to think of something else, perhaps at the last minute. It makes me wonder if maybe my supposed lack of creativity is a result of laziness more than anything else. Yes, there are other factors, but simply putting forth the effort to produce content seems to be the most important thing to do. I've written more in the past few days than I have in years and it feels pretty good.

I have a lot of ideas for where I want to take the story, and I think I'll take a stab at just about all of them. I want this to be a really fluid process where I overwhelm my narrative with ideas, and then slowly tone it down until I end up with the essence of what I want. I'll probably end up cutting out characters and subplots for the final product--or maybe not. Who knows? Anything could happen at this stage.

I'm at a very fragile stage of my life right now. If I'm not careful I could really lose my head. It's good that I have at least one positive thing to focus on right now, even if I'm not getting any tangible benefit from it. I don't have an audience right now, which is something I really crave--but I can't focus on that, either. Above all else, I have to produce content even when the only person I'm doing it for is myself. Feedback would be great but ultimately isn't required.

One thing I'd really like to start doing again is drawing. I was drawing constantly as a teenager and even though I was never really that good at it, I really enjoyed doing it. As long as I'm opening up avenues of self-expression, I might as well fall back on an old favorite. I have a drawing tablet (for the computer) but it seems pretty awkward to use; the sensitivity seems off. I'll lift the stylus and it'll continue tracking my movements sometimes. It makes it difficult to draw anything, especially with the sketchy, imprecise way that I draw. One of these days I think I'll order a new one, but purchasing anything right now is pretty much out of the question as I am hilariously poor and unemployed. But, one day.