Sometimes I feel like it's this incredible burden just to live in my own skin for a day. When I'm home alone it's not as bad and I can sort of forget about who I am. When I'm surrounded by other people it's a lot harder to obfuscate. I am keenly, painfully aware of my various imperfections. On good days, I'll have the mindset that if there are things about me I don't like, I should strive to change them. On bad (or neutral) days I'm just generally intensely uncomfortable. It's disconcerting, because ideally I shouldn't give a shit about this kind of thing. I mean sure, I should want to improve myself, but wallowing in misery isn't going to help anything.
I'm an optimist in theory but sometimes its pretty hard for me to stick to my guns. I can get demoralized pretty easily. Right now I'm exhausted and everything is cast in a more sickly light than usual. I wish I could feel motivated and ready to take on the day more often. It's a really exhilarating feeling. I'm not going to run tonight and that's okay. I'm not going to agonize over it; I'm tired and sleep-deprived so it's not a big deal. I'll run tomorrow and I'll feel better. Tonight I'm just going to relax.
My last few entries were pretty solid, so I think it's okay if I throw in a short one like this every once in awhile. I'm proud that I'm keeping it up at all and I've written some really good stuff. Tomorrow I'll be rested and have a clearer head.
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