Pneumonic (Day 41)

Anxiety is a funny thing. It's often irrational and completely unfounded, but its still there, causing very real pain and discomfort. I find it interesting that just being anxious about something can make you feel physically ill, can make your stomach feel as if its tied in knots. Emotions can be pretty powerful. In the past I strove to be relentlessly logical, unwilling to allow emotions to gain a foothold on my physical state. It worked in some ways, but it also made it really difficult for me to form genuine relationships with other people, which was just depriving me of my happiness. It wasn't worth it.

I'm much more emotionally expressive than ever before, but the situation I'm in isn't exactly conducive to it. I don't have many opportunities to socialize with other people and I have a lot of problems I still haven't managed to resolve. I've felt a lot of anxiety over the past few days because I had a very real suspicious that I was going to be let go from my job. Turns out I was right and I'm unemployed now. My anxiety is gone but it would be inaccurate to say relief has taken its place. I'm disappointed in myself because I feel like I have the same issues I've had for years. I'm just not sure how to move forward from this. I'm lazy and find it difficult to work without direct supervision.

I've been trying to change. I started running every night, but even that eventually fell apart. I think I'll probably start again since I have no job to go to. I need to make sure that I maintain some level of activity so that I don't repeat my past mistakes. When I first started at this most recent job, my feet hurt terribly just about every day. It was starting to get a lot better, but it's a moot point now. Hopefully once I get another job it won't be an issue, because I'll be accustomed to being active on a regular basis. That's all I can do for now. I'll apply to jobs, hope I get something, and try my hardest. Giving in to despair is the worst thing I can do right now. It's what I've done over and over in the past and I'm not going to do it this time. I have to change.