So there I was, months and months into a job search that already felt like it was never going to end. I knew my heart wasn't in it. I had quit my last job (while with my ex) because of how miserable it made me. It wasn't smart but in the short term it was overwhelmingly satisfying. Of course that didn't last and I came to realize I'd made a pretty poor decision. Things worsened between us as my ex came to realize that I had no drive or ambition in life, and she left. I was numb to it for some time, but of course that's one every ineffective way we've all tried to deal with grief and hopelessness.
For some time, I pretended I was fine. I knew even then that I was in denial, but even when I admitted to myself the kind of loss I felt, it didn't make me feel better about it. I thought that being in a relationship made me miserable. In some ways it was stressful, but the truth behind my depression was actually really simple. I was unhappy with myself. Being with someone so driven and motivated only exacerbated my feelings of self-loathing. It wasn't that I didn't want to do anything with my life. I did, and I still do. At the time I had no concept of what it took to get where I needed to be, and to be honest I'm still working on that every day.
So I was morose and rarely left the house. I was virtually penniless, living sparsely off my tax return check and leeching off my mother. I wanted out and even contemplated a few things I'm ashamed of. I would wake up in the middle of the night after sleeping for twelve hours at a time and wonder what possible reason I had to get out of bed. Eventually I would, and I'd spend my time on the internet or playing games. I didn't get the same kind of enjoyment out of it as I used to. I remembered being engrossed in games and longed for that feeling. It might have been a great time to start reading again, to wallow in escapism. It didn't occur to me.
During these months I played a lot of League of Legends. It was my only form of social interaction since a lot of my friends played. We would communicate via a voice chat program and coordinate our strategies. It was more than that, though. We talked and sort of "hung out" as much as you can do so online. It made me feel a little better. The best days for me were when I'd just play all day and win a lot while having fun with my friends. Some of them lived nearby, but most were scattered around the country. I've had a lot of online friends over the years but I invariably lose touch with them. Now that I think about it, that's not a rule exclusive to online friends. I lose touch with most friends I make. Is that just a fact of life or a testament to my poor social skills?
One of my League of Legends comrades and a personal friend eventually did something stupid. He hurt himself, but he survived. It shook me pretty badly, but it made me realize that despite my seemingly neverending depression, I could never get to the point where that seemed like it was a legitimate option. What he had done scared me, but it also gave me hope in a way. After his failed attempt, he wanted to live. I realized I wanted to live too, but I was still clueless about how to make my life feel like it was worth living.
I've learned over the years that opportunities very rarely fall in your lap. When they do, you need to take advantage of them. When a very old online friend called me up one day and asked me to be her roommate, I immediately and impulsively accepted. I was looking for a way out of self-imposed house arrest. Going someplace new, regardless of where it was, seemed like an amazing idea. I wanted to meet new people and broaden my horizons. Even though I had been moping around the house for months, I had hope that there was something out there for me. I wasn't so far gone that I wasn't going to jump right on top of the chance to get out of Kentucky, even if it was only for a little while. Secretly, I imagined I'd be gone for good. It turned out I would be back sooner than I'd hoped.
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