It's so important to have someone you can talk to, even if its just every once in awhile. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel its rare to have someone to turn to that has at least a reasonably good understanding of you. I'm glad that I have a few people in my life that I can talk to about things that are on my mind. Writing all of these entries has been extremely therapeutic for me but there's just nothing like conversing with another human being, someone who can relate to you and share their own thoughts as well.
I went out tonight and had a great meal at a local restaurant. I might have spent a bit too much money, but the spinach pie and lobster ravioli were definitely worth it. This sort of thing kind of flies in the face of my resolve to lose weight, but I've decided I'm not going to restrict what I eat very harshly at all, especially if I'm going to a restaurant. As long as I remain active, I think I'll be fine and start to get healthier. Even if I don't lose a lot of weight, being stronger and having more energy are excellent goals to pursue.
My sleep schedule has been turned completely upside down again. I woke up at around 5 PM and took my walk more or less immediately. I didn't run any tonight because my legs are so sore from previous runs. I figure as long as I'm putting in the time and trying to go as hard as I can I'll be fine. I walked three miles and felt really good about it, especially after taking an ice cold shower when I finished. I'm considering staying up as long as I can today in an attempt to sort out my sleep schedule a bit. If I do that, I might have to turn my next night run into more of an afternoon run. We'll see what happens.
After eating and going for a short walk in town, me and my friend returned to my place and did a lot of reminiscing about old times. It makes me think of the kind of person I used to be and the kind of person I am now. I guess they're not really different people, but I keep forgetting certain aspects of myself, like I'm subconsciously pushing them aside. I realize I haven't always been entirely honest about who I am. I've been in denial at various stages of my life about how cynical and dismissive I can be towards others. I always found myself disappointed by other people; they didn't live up to my standards of what I felt people should be like. Of course, it was never any of my business how others chose to live their lives, but I did feel like I couldn't relate to others because of it.
It's difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what it was that disappointed me about people. When I was in school I felt like I was smarter than just about everyone I met and that was a lonely feeling. Whether or not it was actually true is another issue, but I did have this feeling like I was on another level in some way, like they weren't experiencing reality in the same way I was. It's like the difference between people who are passionate and people who just go through the motions. Troublingly, I have been both of these people at various points of my life. I can recall countless days of being on autopilot without a single free thought on my mind. It's actually a really depressing feeling if you ever become conscious of it. I much prefer being self-aware and I think writing helps me with that.
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