Atlas Novus (Day 135)

I am having one of those days where I'm feeling particularly pessimistic and irritable. Little things will set me off and I can't seem to have fun doing much of anything. Unfortunately, these kinds of days are not terribly rare for me. I think there are many contributing factors to these moods, including poor diet, unpredictable sleeping patterns, and my cat. He is rude.

I am feeling more than ever the urge to close in on myself and ignore the outside world--which is problematic considering that's what I've pretty much been doing for months now. I was hoping that I was getting closer to wanting to get out of it, but days like today don't go very far in reinforcing that belief. 

Craving solitude isn't always a bad thing, though. Sometimes it leads to more productive things. Creative things. Last night I wrote something pretty nice--but tonight. . .tonight I don't really feel up to it. It's around 8 o'clock, which is a lot later than I usually write these entries. On the average day I will have finished up by around noon. Yesterday I wrote at around 6 AM because I was having trouble getting to sleep and I guess inspiration struck.

I don't know. I guess I'm proud that I've kept up this writing exercise for such a long period of time, but I'm also irritated at how insubstantial some of it is. I'm not proud of a lot of my writing. I recognize it is very flawed. Sometimes it's wordy and sometimes it's just boring. If I can't clearly envision the scene I'm writing about I feel like I'm phoning it in. I know I can write better but it takes effort. What I wrote yesterday took effort--and sometimes, I just feel like I'm not in a position where I can put forth that effort.

If only I could return to those days where I felt creative and full of ideas. I was excited about writing a new blog entry every day--but when all of my days blend together into a colorless blur I start to lose my passion for it. Not having anything to say about my day is fine--I was never big on that anyway. But when every day is the same and you barely leave the house, it takes a toll on your creativity. I don't know why that's the case, but it's true.

I want to be excited about things again. I miss it. On days like today it seems like that feeling is utterly out of reach--but I know it's there. It can be depressing to write a blog entry when I'm in a mood like this because it just emphasizes how. . .blank I feel. I don't like when this blog has a string of passionless entries, even if no one reads them. I read them. They give me hope that I'm still here.