Man, I really have not been getting enough sleep lately. I feel like this is something that I whine about in just about every entry, but it continues to be true. I guess I should probably stop leaving streams on when I go to sleep because the background noises makes my sleep restless and uncomfortable. There's something about going to sleep that is so unsettling to me, though. It's sort of lonely and dark. I'm left alone with only my thoughts--and there's also this feeling that it's a waste of time. I could be doing something else more productive than sleeping. Not that I actually would, but it's thought that keeps me awake.
I've been awakening very unsatisfied the past few days, but unfortunately I don't have the kind of disposition that allows me to easily go right back to sleep. Once I'm up, I'm up. As a result, it's 5:13 PM, only six or seven hours after I woke up and I'm sleepy--but not that kind of sleepiness where you feel it's time to rest. It's that kind of feeling where you've stuffed yourself with Christmas food and you haven't gotten enough sleep and haven't had any caffeine. It's that kind of feeling. It's very unsatisfying.
Tonight when I do eventually try to go to sleep, I'm going to block out all external stimuli. I'll turn off all the lights, turn off my monitors, and I'll read a few chapters of my book and try to drift off in as close to complete silence as I can manage. Maybe I'll even lock the cat out, as he tends to do things like chew on my beard while I'm trying to sleep. It would be nice to have a day where I feel rested and refreshed for once.
I'm happy that I'm reading again. It has come pretty easily to me, which makes me wonder why I ever stopped in the first place. I have complained frequently about a fog that muddles my thoughts--something that makes creative output difficult, but also restricts my enjoyment of the creative works of others. At least for now, I'm reading and comprehending just fine. I wonder what reading regularly will do to my perspective--or if it will have much of an effect on it at all.
A friend recommended the works of Haruki Marukami to me so I've decided to read The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. If I like it (and so far, I'm pretty sure that I do), I'm going to try out some of his other books, probably starting with Norwegian Wood. I don't want to get caught up reading through a single author's catalogue though, so I think I'd like to try someone else out after that. I'm not sure where else I might look for suggestions. I used to read a lot of fantasy, so I guess I could check out something from one of my old favorites--but I'm worried that might breed some bad habits in me.
A Song of Ice and Fire seems like a universally adored fantasy series I could try. Even if I don't end up particularly enjoying it, it's definitely a culturally relevant piece of work that likely has/will have a lot of influence on other literature and media. I've always imagined it might be a more mature evolution of something like The Wheel of Time, which I found interesting when I was younger. Even then I recognized that some aspects of it were problematic, particularly author Robert Jordan's portrayal of female characters.
Sigh. I'm glad I'm writing. I'm glad I'm reading. I'm glad I'm alive, even if sometimes living doesn't seem worth it. I'm holding out hope that there is something better on the other side of this hole.
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