I have been feeling grumpy today! I really dislike when I get like this because I feel like that's not the kind of person I am at all. But I'm weak, and I succumb to minor irritations sometimes--and really, it stems from a huge number of little things that pile up and put me in bad moods. I don't take the time to sort them out and deal with them. Instead, I just bottle them up and refuse to confront them and they just sort of fester and bubble in my psyche.
I hate to fall on that old cliche about New Years' resolutions, but I am hoping that I'll start to set things in motion in the new year. I need to get a job and I need to wake up about my life in general. I'm stagnating and I'm way too complacent about that. I don't have to be depressed about my predicament but I do have to be actively pursuing a change. That has to happen. I feel like I tried earlier this year, but I didn't try hard enough. I was discouraged by my setbacks and I can't let that happen. I will fail repeatedly, but I can't let that stop me from trying.
Somewhere inside me is a worthy human being. Despite my apathy and cynicism, I know that to be true. He's down there somewhere and he's waiting to be let out. I've gotta feel better about myself even when things aren't looking so great. I'm overweight, extremely socially awkward, and I'm aging. But I'm still me and I deserve to have a chance at existing. I believe that. I have to believe that.
I'm going to continue writing every day. I'll keep at it, even when I don't think my writing's very good. Perhaps especially so in that case. If it's not good, then I'll make it good. I'm reading now, and I'm going to continue reading. There's not some force field in place that prevents me from enjoying literature--the love is still there. All that has prevented me from pursuing it in the past few years is laziness, pure and simple. I can be passionate about books just as I'm passionate about video games, about films, about music. There's a lot of media out there worthy of being absorbed--and even if I can't call myself an aficionado, I can report my honest impressions of this stuff as a neophyte.
Things are not the best right now. I don't feel that drive to get up and get things done--and I'm not sure how to get it back or if indeed I ever had it at all. I feel like I've had brief moments of incredible motivation, but they it usually vanishes as mysteriously as it came. I need to clean the house. I need to do laundry. I need to go on walks. I need to call about my overdue student loans. There are a lot of things I need to do, but I put them off and I sit in front of my computer and melt into a puddle of goo.
I don't know if this is just going to wear off on its own. I guess it could, but it probably won't. I think I'll have to force myself. That's difficult. That's really difficult. But I think I have to. And if I have to, I will. Right now I'm exhausted. It's 8:11 AM and I've been up all night. I haven't been productive--although I did take the time to cook myself a meal. I've been playing Path of Exile and League of Legends for a ridiculously long period of time. I play with friends. It's my only way to socialize. But it's not really all about that. It's more about finding an excuse not to do things that are important--an excuse not to take care of some very pressing concerns.
An excuse not to wake up and face what's going on in my life.
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