I find that when I don't have an internet connection, I feel completely
closed off. It's my only way to interact with the outside world. There was a
time when this wasn't true, of course. I had phone service. I could text my
friends, my girlfriends, the people in my life. And of course, I had access to
the internet on the phone as well. My phone has been without service for a few
months now. I do not have the money to pay for it. This is my fault. I need to
be looking more fervently for a job. I've barely put in any applications. Since
I heard about the Staples position falling through I haven't done a single
thing about it.
I'm afraid, I guess. I'm afraid that terrible emptiness will fill me up
when I venture out into the world again. How can one be filled with emptiness?
It sounds like a paradox. Emptiness takes away what's already there--but it
feels right to say, even so. So often I feel like I'm being filled up with this
void. I remember an innumerable string of days where I would get up in the
morning and drive to work in a haze. I would dread getting there and look
forward to leaving. Once I got home I'd dread when the time came for me to
sleep--because that meant I'd just have to wake up to work again.
I know there are people in this world that enjoy the work they do, but it
seems they're rare. Is everyone unhappy? I would be lying if I said I never
enjoyed a day of the work I did, but those days were certainly rarer. I think
it's safe to say I'm not a good worker. No matter how hard I try I can't seem
to put my heart into it. I'm always cutting corners even when I don't mean to
do so. Then it creeps up on me one day--I'm slacking off. I'm not being
productive. I was trying to be productive but I just wasn't.
I've met a lot of people from working at the various jobs I've held. Some
became friends, some became acquaintances--but for the most part I've lost
contact with them. Maybe we come into contact occasionally on Facebook, but for
the most part I have no interaction with them. Why is this? Why do I devalue
human social interaction so much? I realize it's important and I enjoy the
company of others--to a degree. I greatly enjoy having stimulating
conversations with likeminded people but so often I default to a state where I
spend most of my time alone.
It's easier, I think. When I'm alone I don't have to worry about how
someone else will react. I don't have to impress anyone. And who has more in
common with me than. . .me? That's what this blog is for, I think. It's like
having a conversation with someone of like mind. It's a self indulgent writing
exercise that somewhat makes up for not having anyone to talk to.
That is not to say that I never have conversations with anyone. That's
definitely not true. But--it's still not quite what I want. Maybe I find myself
attracted only to aloof and socially closed off people. After all, that's how I
am. The kind of people I talk to--they so often slip away before I've even
realized it. Secretly I want to connect on a deeper level but it doesn't
happen. I don't take that step. It's too much to ask. I imagine that no one is
prepared to accept that burden.
Sometimes I want to discuss things exhaustively, at length. I want to
discuss it to death. But I don't, because I have to take the other party's
patience into account. They're not like me, I think. They're not content with a
discussion that requires so much of both parties. I feel like I need it,
though. I can't tell them that because we're not close enough. I'm not close
enough to anyone.
I've been in a couple of relationships over the years. Each had their ups
and downs, of course, as all relationships do--but unfortunately, I still felt
as if I had no one I could really communicate with. Not on the level I
wanted. We might talk for hours and hours but it was mostly the result of the
bizarre haze of infatuation where everything your new partner says is the most
interesting thing you've ever heard. Once it fades you must get to know each
other as you really are. And that's when I have historically realized that I
can't communicate with these people in the way I'd like--even when we share
that level of intimacy.
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