Well, it's a new year, I guess. I'm not much for resolutions, but it has become painstakingly apparent over the last few days that I need to get a handle on my life and actually start, you know, trying to live it for real. The first and most pressing concern that I am presented with is the need to find a job. I've applied to Staples but won't know whether or not I'm being considered for the position until next week sometime. If that doesn't pan out, I'm going to have to put some legitimate effort into finding something else.
I've been stagnating over these last few months--that much is obvious even to me in this haze. I've gained weight, my hair and beard have grown to ridiculous lengths, and the house has fallen into disrepair. I'm living alone for the time being though I'm not paying to do so. I'm in a lot of debt and in all honesty I haven't been putting forth nearly enough effort to better my situation. I have been far too lazy and complacent for well, probably the last year.
A bit over a year ago I left Austin, Texas after having lived there for four months. I was having difficulty affording the cost of living despite having a regular job provided for me by the good friend I was living with. I was lazy, and didn't take as many hours as I should. I had difficulty sleeping. I was depressed. Despite all this, it was by no means a bad experience--I would have been experiencing those feelings regardless of where I happened to be living. Austin was great for me in a lot of ways, but even so, I couldn't force myself to be happy.
It's a problem that I've had pretty consistently for many years now. No matter how well things are going for me, I can't seem to be happy. I'm not even sure if "happy" is the right word. I'm not entirely unhappy right now, at least not all the time. I am, however, unmotivated and complacent in a very unfavorable situation. I should be wanting to improve my standard of living. I should be ambitious. I'm a clever guy with a lot of potential, but I continuously squander any opportunities I might have. Part of it has to do with fear, but the more insidious factor is my complacency.
I repeatedly convince myself that "things aren't that bad." I'm in denial. It's a coping mechanism that prevents me from being deliriously unhappy at all times. On the surface it's not a terrible way to look at things, but it prevents me from getting anything substantial done. Granted, I have been making great strides in the last few months--I've been writing and writing every single day. I've phoned in a few entries but for the most part I put a considerable amount of thought into everything I write. I'm not always proud of my output but it happens often enough to provoke some surprise.
It's true that some days I am depressed and lethargic, but some days I'm reasonably happy--but unwilling to make progress toward any sort of notable goal. I'm unemployed and in debt. There is no shortage of things to be done around the house but I frequently don't do them. More and more I am drawing in on myself, favoring solitude over the company of others. Don't get me wrong--I'm an introvert at heart but I've never been so withdrawn before. I enjoy social gatherings with close friends in small doses--normally. But now I'd rather just be alone.
I think part of the issue is shame. It's not an overbearing kind of shame that prevents me from getting out of bed--but my particular situation does make the prospect of hanging out with friends an awkward one. I have spent the vast majority of my recent days not leaving the house and indeed barely venturing from my bedroom. I find it difficult to explain or justify my recent behavior. Why have I not been trying to extricate myself from this situation? I am complacent. I don't want to be.
Today I shaved for the first time in months. I look less like a drifter and more like a very large child. Fortunately my facial hair grows reasonably quickly. I don't think I'll let it get quite as out of hand any time in the near future. I think I might also go get a haircut tomorrow. If I'm looking for a job then I need to be somewhat more presentable. Aside from that, I'm going to invest some time pretty soon into cleaning up the house a bit. Living in tidier surroundings can only improve my mood--and I think it'll also make it feel more like home. More like somewhere I can see myself living for awhile. As I said I'm in a lot of debt--so even when I do get a job I'll have a lot of work to do before I even think about moving out again.
Once I accomplish these basic tasks I can start worrying about broader things. I'd like to start going on walks again. The temperature lately has made the prospect unwise, but assuming I wear layers I might be able to get away with short daily walks. I can't pretend that I'm going to be losing weight, but exercise is important for a variety of other reasons. I so seldom get out of my chair these days--I can't imagine it's having positive effects on my health.
I think I woke up just a little bit today. I'm not completely there, but I'm on my way.
No comments:
Post a Comment