Mute Departure (Day 161)

Man, this is really turning into one of those days. I've been staring at this empty field for what seems like hours now. I can't think of what to say. I'm awake and even arguably alert, but I'm definitely not in the greatest of moods. I can't even begin to describe why I feel this way, but it's something that happens every so often. It's just this sensation in the pit of my stomach that makes it difficult to enjoy anything. I've been trying to play Titan Quest for the past couple of hours but my heart's just not into it. I think I've probably managed to burn myself out on that game anyway, but I suspect there's something else going on here.

I found out that the position I thought was opening up at Staples won't actually open up for a few more months. This is irritating, because I was hoping that I would at least have a job interview lined up. I was ready this time. I wasn't just sitting there hoping that it wouldn't happen, complacent in my fate as a stationary and xenophobic swamp monster. I really wanted to get out and start working again--but that fell through. I'll have to start putting in more applications for real now. I should probably start tonight. As soon as possible.

I think I am getting a little restless these days. I haven't left the house in quite awhile. I'm sick of drinking the same coffee, eating the same food, and barely even leaving this room. I'm sick of my clingy cat and the dogs I don't even want to take care of. I'm sick of a lot of things, but I shouldn't complain about them. I'm not taking real steps in improving my current state. I should be trying harder--or even just trying at all. I'm awake, but it doesn't matter when I'm not acting. Action is the important thing here. I need to clean this house. I need to put in applications.

I need to do a lot of things that I'm not doing right now. At least I'm still writing. I have that going for me. Even when it's very difficult to do so, I keep writing. I force it out of me. Because I know it's good for me. It's good for my brain, because it keeps it moving. I've previously just left it there to stagnate, and I think that's done irreparable damage to my psyche. I can't help that, but I can do what I can know to fix it--by taking action. I need to get up and I need to move. I need to get out there. I need to take control of my life.

Before it's too late.