I'm going to apply for some jobs today. If I type it into this blog, I have to do it. It's a record of my lie if I don't do it. I'm in debt and I need to rectify that. I want to be able to buy things. I want to buy my own food. As much as I try to tell myself that I'd rather just stay at home, I do occasionally want to get out of the house. This is why I got a haircut. I was supposed to be moving in the right direction. I'm making myself more presentable. I'm more likely to be well received in the event of a job interview.
Tonight I will apply to two jobs. That's going to happen. I have to stop putting it off. I should do the same tomorrow. I need to stay by my phone and wait for a call. Even if I have to apply to something I don't want, I need something. It is absolutely ridiculous how long I've put this off. I know why I'm doing it. It's because I have no concept of the future. Time continues to pass and I'm surprised. There is something to be said for living in the present but sometimes it's too much. You have to plan for something. If this keeps going I'm going to end up in increasingly bad situations.
It's been cold and rainy lately. I haven't felt like doing much of anything aside from playing Rift or any number of other video games. I have no reason to leave the house because I have no money. I have nothing but appreciation for my mother who brings me food just about every week--but sometimes I'd rather go grocery shopping myself. Maybe if I could get out of this house I could kickstart my brain and even put in some job applications. I know I would certainly buy a lot more coffee. . .
I'm making a promise to myself. Today I will look up some positions on something like Indeed.com and pick two openings and apply for them. If that doesn't work, I'll default to applying to Walmart, Kmart, or something similar. I have to get this done now because I've put it off for far too long. If I keep repeating this to myself and in text I have to get it done. I reread these entries habitually. It will weigh on my conscience if by the next time this is read it hasn't been done. I'm psychologically manipulating myself here.
I know I can get out of this somehow. I managed to botch my last chance at having regular paid work and I have been incredibly discouraged since then. It would not have been difficult to keep that job if I'd applied myself. I am at a loss for words on how I continue to fail to complete even the simplest of tasks. It's as if I'm hardwired to continually self sabotage. I don't like having a job. I don't think most people do--but it's something that I need to survive.
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