Iceblocks (Day 258)

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I started to feel strange. I wasn't nervous about my interview, but I felt content. I'd just watched a few episodes of Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu before bed and I felt this strange sense of contentment. It's hard to explain, but I felt really serene with my eyes closed, the lights off, and the room silent. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I have no idea what brought it on, but I certainly wouldn't mind for it to continue. I'm used to going to bed only when I'm exhausted--and still taking a long time to drift off because I'm worried about the next day or just irritated in general. I just felt utterly sedated but in the best way possible.

I thought about my story. I haven't updated it recently, and even when I have it's been after long periods of inactivity. As the story grows in scope, I have less of an idea of how exactly to handle the events that are unfolding. I'm basically just making this stuff up as I go along--but I don't want to just phone it in, which is why it usually takes me such a long time to compose the entries. But last night it was different. My mind was swimming with ideas. I should have gotten up and written some of them down, but I was afraid I would get caught up in it and not get to sleep in time.

I wish I could remember some of the things I thought about last night. It was a really surreal feeling that I'd love to recapture. I'm still almost entirely unsure what brought it on. Maybe it'll happen again tonight--who knows. I'm not sure it even had anything to do with Terakiel, Aisen, or Casnie. These were two completely new characters. I just can't remember anything about it at this point. I remember thinking about it and then waking up suddenly because I didn't realize it wasn't real--but that's it. I don't remember the specifics. It seemed pretty important at the time but now it's faded completely. I really should have written it down. . .

If for some reason this happens again tonight I'll make sure to make a note of it. Something tells me it was a fluke brought on by stuff changing in my life. I definitely haven't been adhering to the same routines recently--which, of course, is a good thing. I need to change my bad habits and really just. . .get out there. I've made a lot more progress in the past couple of weeks than  I have in the six months before that. And it's really all thanks to members of my family that have reached out to me and supported me. I never thought that would happen because I was determined to figure things out on my own. I can't do that, though. Even if I were capable of doing everything on my own, there's no shame in asking others for help.

I've not given up on my story yet. That's not to say I'll necessarily pick up exactly where I left off. If I'm becoming disinterested with a certain aspect of the plot I might just choose to jump around--or even go back and completely rewrite older sections I'm not happy with. I need to go back and compile all of those entries into one massive document. I used to do that but I stopped keeping up with it when it got too unmanageable and I started updating less frequently. Summarizing everything that's happened so far would also be helpful, since I have a hard time internalizing all of that stuff.