Sobriquet (Day 245)

It's 9 PM and I'm planning on staying up all night. I don't have a specific plan for what I'm going to be doing tomorrow, but it's clear that I need to be productive in some way. I still haven't gotten any calls back about jobs so it might serve me well to be proactive and make some calls myself. I have a good telephone voice and I know how to express myself--to sell myself, even. Beyond that, there are other opportunities to apply for positions online, which in all honesty I should be doing right now. I just woke up a few hours ago and I still feel like I'm not completely awake.

I don't feel great. I'm disappointed in myself because I can't get myself to stay motivated. My optimism so easily slips away. I don't know how to hold onto it. I'm not giving in to despair but I'm not taking action either. If I take the time to sit and consider my situation, I think I would be wildly depressed. I don't want that, because it would just be worse than the situation I'm in now. I'm in a lot of debt and I'm not in the best state of mind. I cover everything up--I bottle everything up and try to be as happy as I can in the moment. But it's not going to last. Not for very much longer.

I have the tools I need to accomplish my goals but I still find myself lagging behind. I felt helpless and confused before but now that I'm being given assistance I'm still hesitant to actually try to achieve my goals. Is it just laziness or fear of failure? I think large chunks of both factor into this. I need to sit down and make a list of the things I need to do--and then do them. I need to just get them done. I'm overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done so I just do nothing. . .but I have to stop that. I should start now, immediately. But I won't. I'm going to put it off. I could stop myself from procrastinating but I. . .don't want to. I'm not even that ashamed of that.

I'm capable of acknowledging how foolish I am but I have a hard time feeling guilty about it. I'm constantly in denial. It's the way I've learned to cope, to even exist. I'm making excuses, even to myself. I have to find a way to change that, but success isn't just going to fall into my lap. It's a troubling problem. So I'm going to make a promise to myself. As soon as the sun comes up or maybe even a little before that, I'm going to concentrate all my efforts into being productive. I'm going to start putting in some more online applications and once an appropriate amount of time has passed, I'll start making some calls. If I have nothing else to do, I'll wash some clothes and clean up around the house.