The job hunt is continuing. I have two interviews scheduled for late next week.I'm not guaranteed a position in either case, but I'm confident that I'm getting a lot closer to finding gainful employment. I'm the kind of person that can represent myself well in an interview, so I'm sure I'll be making good impressions--in both cases. That is not to say that I'm not nervous, because I definitely am. I haven't had a job in awhile, and my current living situation is questionable. I really need one of these jobs. The other major prospect I'm considering hasn't gotten back to me yet so I think I'll probably give them a call tomorrow. If all goes well, maybe I'll have three interviews set up for next week.
I've never been the kind of person to make meaningful plans for my life very far in advance. I tend to live pretty firmly in the present, which although not entirely a bad thing does cause problems occasionally. It's a coping mechanism, so I'm not paralyzed with worry/anxiety/fear over what may or may not be coming. I get such intense anxiety when contemplating upcoming events that I've resorted to blocking those things out. I've never figured out a better way to handle it.
I've been told that I need to break that habit, that I need to make plans and set goals for myself. Where do I want to be at the end of this year? What do I want to be doing? Do I want to be living here? I really don't know. It's so difficult for me to answer that question because there are so many unknowns. I don't know which job I'm going to get and in what time frame. I don't know how much money I'm going to be making or how long it's going to take me to pay off my debts. I don't know much about my mother's financial situation either--and since she was previously responsible for the bills at this house, that results in another area I can't control. There are so many things outside of my area of control that I feel I have very little influence over where I end up.
None of that really plays into why I don't plan for my future. Left to my own devices even given ideal circumstances I don't make very many plans. When I do make plans, it's about very self indulgent things--as this blog can quite effectively attest. I plan to watch shows, play video games, listen to new music, and to write. These all feed into each other and create this cycle that I find I really like--but none of it is really all that personal to me. They're my hobbies, of course, and they make up an important part of my personality, but there's more to me than that, right? Where do I want to go in life? I guess part of the reason I haven't thought about it much is because I feel like I don't have any options.
There was a point in my life where I felt like things were going pretty well. I shared a house with my girlfriend and I had steady job. I wasn't making much money, but I felt I was making more than enough to be happy. Of course, I wasn't ecstatic every day, but I was generally pleased with the way things were going. I lacked ambition, though--and I have been led to believe by a variety of people that this is a bad thing. I can't be happy unless I "make something of myself." I can guarantee that a good percentage of people who end up becoming successful in one way or another aren't really happy--or if they are, it's almost entirely unrelated to their success. People are happy when they do what they love. It doesn't have to be your job--but you need to find time to do the things that make you happy, or you'll just go crazy. I'll go crazy. I'll be depressed. It's happened before.
What are the things I enjoy? I love video games and music. I love to write and watch TV shows--and recently, anime. I am immensely proud that I've motivated myself to write so much and so frequently over the past several months. I am shocked that I've kept it up for this long--but I see no reason that I'll be stopping anytime soon. Even when I do get a job, I'll still certainly make time for this blog. Hell, I'll probably have more to write about. That will lead to more personal entries such as this one, but that's far from a bad thing. It will most likely turn into a form of therapy. It's served that purpose for me in the past and I'm sure it will again.
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