I did an interview today and just received a phone call that I'd made it to the second interview on Monday. Assuming that goes well, the position is probably mine. I should be happy, but I feel a little discontent. It's hard for me to quantify exactly why I'm not in the greatest mood, but I have some ideas. Ever since I received the call a couple days ago about coming in for an interview, I've felt a little weird. I've felt pressured, like the walls are closing in on me. The dread and anxiety have settled into a nasty pit in my stomach.
Why should I feel so bad about finally getting a chance to get my life together? Maybe it's a fear of failure. Maybe I think I can't handle it--that I can't handle the responsibility. I guess I'm also afraid of being forced to interact with others on a daily basis again. I'm an introvert, so being put into social situations can be exhausting--it's not even about being misanthropic or anything. I don't hate people at all and I don't mind being around them, but it does give me a pretty significant amount of anxiety. I've felt pretty tired the past few days even though I haven't been doing anything super strenuous. I think it's just the weariness of putting myself out there. I'm not used to it--not yet.
I worked at Walmart for four years. I was around customers just about every day. I got used to it to a certain degree but there were still many many days that I came into work with a stomachache because of my anxiety. There were some days that I just couldn't handle being seen. I hid it and tried to stay as productive and courteous as possible, but inside I was kind of miserable. I don't want that to happen again. It's really not a big deal for anyone else. I wish my brain didn't work that way.
The solution is never going to be "don't work around people"--because that's not what I want. I want to work closely with others cooperatively in whatever career path I choose. It's important that that's something I'm comfortable with. I'm never going to be the kind of person who works entirely in isolation. Well, I can't tell the future, but it seems unlikely. All the same, that's not what I want. Everyone needs socialization to function. I'm not the kind of person that goes to parties or hangs out with people in my free time, so interacting with others at a workplace seems like my best option.
This is a really good opportunity for me. The pay is pretty good and it makes use of skills that I have. It shouldn't be something out of my comfort zone and it shouldn't make me nervous--but I can't help the fact that it does. I can't help the fact that I can barely relax. Change is a frightening thing. I've said in the past (and on this blog) that I like change and that's still true--but doesn't make it any less unsettling. After a certain period of time you tend to settle into a routine. Even if that routine is unhealthy or depressing, it does eventually become a kind of comfort because it's what you know.
Today has just been really weird. I don't know if I'm just in a bad mood or recent events have adversely affected my emotions. I just want to be able to relax but I'm constantly on edge. The thing that worries me even more is the uncomfortable truth that I don't think it's going to stop any time soon. Assuming the interview on Monday goes well then the course of my life is going to change. I'll have more to write about but less time to indulge my passions. I just don't know how things are going to go and that bothers me. It usually doesn't. I usually just let life happen to me--but I'm taking it into my own hands now and I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up as I have so often in the past.
No comments:
Post a Comment