I actually attended a family gathering for Easter today. I don't have any particular attachment or appreciation for the holiday itself, but considering how reclusive and withdrawn I've been when it comes to my family, I think it's a positive thing for me to have done. I'm also pretty excited about the heaping piles of free food I stuffed into my mouth. All things considered, today has been pretty alright. I've been seeing members of my family a lot more often recently because I've gotten more serious about getting a job and enlisted their assistance. They've been nothing but helpful and I'm really grateful for that. I've tried to fool myself into believing I don't need the help of others on many occasions, but it's never been true.
I think I withdraw from my family because I think of myself as a disappointment. I don't want to expose myself for appraisal. When compared to other members of my family, I look pretty bad. I haven't accomplished anything and haven't had a truly steady job since 2012. I'm intelligent--there's no one that would debate that--but it's not enough. There needs to be a drive to succeed and historically there hasn't been one. I can't say that I have grand ambitions, but I think that if I get this job, things should start changing for me. Even if I don't get this one, I'll get another. I'm confident of that now. I've harbored private beliefs these past few months that I'd never be able to find a job and I'd just slowly wither away until I. . .well, disappeared, I guess. But that's not going to happen.
I have nice clothes to wear for my interview tomorrow. My hair is short and my facial hair is groomed. I'm not usually one for dressing up and looking presentable, but I think it's important to make a good impression in this case. It's not like this job would be life-changing for me, but it would certainly be a step in the right direction. I've spent way too much time in a state of suspended adolescence. I need to grow up. I think it's okay to harbor certain childish tendencies, but when it interferes with getting to where you want in life, it has to change. I'm behind the curve here. I'm not looking for marriage and kids at this point--I'm all the way back to wanting my own place and being able to provide for myself. I've done it in the past, but there have always been issues that prevented me from really moving forward.
I've always been tethered to someone when it comes to being provided for. A lot of the time it's been my mother, but it's also been girlfriends and roommates. I think it would be good for me to live alone--as I have been--but to actually have to deal with the responsibilities inherent to that position. I need to pay my own bills and pay my own debts. I need to be responsible for that. I've gone way too long without experiencing that, and it's something I need to learn to deal with. I think it would help relieve some stress for me as well. Although I try to ignore it, it does sting to be in so much debt--not just from a credit card and student loans, but also to my friends and family. It's not just about the money either. I have not done much to prove that I am worthy of all the assistance I've been given. I'll have to find some way to make up for that.
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