Imaginary You (Day 275)

I have experienced a great deal of Emotions today, most of which I find difficult to articulate in any meaningful way. I'm glad I have a job and I'm even glad to be getting out of the house. I'm stressed because I'm afraid of losing that job and also because the amount of things I have to learn is pretty overwhelming. I also greatly dislike being put in situations where I have to explain things to customers that I don't completely understand myself. If I were to tell someone something that was completely wrong and find out about it later, I'd feel really bad. It's the fear that something like that might happen that contributes greatly to my stress on an average day.

There are so many procedures to follow, sales and interactions to track, and paperwork to fill out over the course of an average workday. I'm having a hard time dealing with it so far. I consider myself pretty good at internalizing large amounts of information but so much of it is being thrown at me all at once--and I have to apply that information constantly while also remembering to be personable and outgoing. These are traits that I can fake, but it does take some effort. If it came naturally to me, I think I'd have a much easier time of it. It's like I'm on stage and I'm struggling to remember a whole play's worth of lines that I'd only studied the night before. It's stressful.

It's not just that, though. I'm worried I'm spending too much money, particularly on food. I'm eating terribly unhealthy foods on a daily basis due to a combination of laziness and indecision. I'm breaking out because I'm sweating pretty much every hour of the day. It's the middle of summer and I have to wear a long-sleeved shirt and black dress pants. At home, I have no air conditioning so I'm pretty much running around in my underwear. It's still really hot.

I'm not enjoying my free time as much as I imagined I would be. In the past I've always really ritualized my free time and made a major point of making the most of it. Lately, I tend to spend my free time worrying about what I'm going to do on my next day of work. I wonder how long I'm going to keep this job. I wonder if I'm going to make enough money to pay off my debts. I wonder if I'm ever going to make something of my life. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling empty. I wonder if I'll ever have friends again.

What happened? How did I get here? It's like I wake up every day and I wonder what bizarre series of events led up this. I'm 15 and in high school. I'm fat, miserable, and a social outcast. I'm 26 and I live in a house my mother owns. I'm fat, miserable, and a social outcast. I have a hard time holding down a job. I wonder why nothing ever changes. Every time I make a change I revert back to my old habits. I need to know that something has changed. I need to be in a situation where I'm not just waiting to fail. I need to not feel empty.