I have spent a not inconsiderable amount of time today reading through some of my old writing entries, both Terakiel's story and the story of the bearded man. I think they're both interesting but deeply flawed in a lot of ways. Maybe I'm too critical of myself, but I feel like my writing can be extremely stilted and wordy. I use too many syllables to get my point across. I think I try not to use boring or plain language but it makes some of those excerpts pretty tiring to read. That's not even mentioning the meandering, directionless tone of it all because I'm essentially making them up as a I go along.
I've always been really terrible at outlining and summarizing, even if I'm intimately familiar with the subjects in question. It's one of my main weaknesses as a writer and storyteller, but it can also cause problems in other areas of my life. I feel it's difficult to condense things down in a concise and effective way. I'd like to think this blog has helped me with that but it's clear it's still a big problem for me. I think I'm hesitant to continue writing (on either story) because I don't know where these characters are headed. I've written myself into a corner on three separate counts. Terakiel is parting ways with the moth. Casnie has just emerged into some other plane inhabited by who knows what. Aisen has fallen unconscious by a stream for mysterious reasons. I couldn't begin to explain why any of these things are happening or what's going to happen next. It's like I'm writing a season of Lost but I don't have assistance from others to come up with clever reasons why these things are happening.
Above all else, I don't know what I want to accomplish with this story. I know I can't just abandon it. I've written so much already. I've probably written more for it than anything else I've ever written. If I took the time to compile it into a document I think it would be dozens and dozens of pages long. Once upon a time I was consolidating every entry into a Word document but I stopped doing it because my updates became so infrequent. I was hoping that I could just keep going until I finished something, no matter how flawed and primitive it might be--but I'm not happy with the direction the story is taking because I don't know where it's going. I'm as clueless as any prospective reader might be.
I just don't feel inspired lately. These entries have become very difficult for me lately. It's true I don't have as much free time. That's why I've been writing more about my personal life than video games and there's nothing wrong with that, per se--but it feels like a bit of a cop out. This blog is supposed to serve as a means of creative expression and occasionally, therapy. It was not originally intended to be a mundane recollection of day to day events. One could argue that all of my video game entries are cop outs as well, but I would disagree. As trivial as others might find it, I'm actually quite passionate about video games and I love writing about them.
I'm not sure exactly what needs to change. I've suggested recently that I should read more and that's probably a good start. But is that really going to get me writing again? I think part of the issue lies in my increased standards for my writing. When I first started, I was happy to be writing anything at all and I wasn't overly concerned with the level of quality involved. However, as I continued to write each and every day, I realized I had to step it up and shoot for something better. If I feel I'm not capable of writing something good, I tend not to write anything at all. When I do end up writing something that I feel is subpar, I feel badly about it. I don't feel like I've honored the commitment I've made.
Maybe I would write better if I didn't put so much pressure on myself. Sometimes you might just have to write and write and write regardless of whether or not you think it sounds good. These things can be edited. That's the great thing about the medium. You don't need a final draft right away--or necessarily ever. I'm not looking to get published here. I can write and rewrite as many times as I want. There's been only one instance of me rewriting a passage on this blog and I think it turned out really well. I'm not sure why I don't do that more often. I think I like the idea of moving forward and getting a colossal rough draft before I do that--but is that really the best way to go? I'm just not sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment