Holy crap, I feel terrible right now. I'm not entirely sure what's happening, but I'm having stomach pains, nausea, a little dizziness, headaches, and all sorts of other mundane things that make me feel like not doing much of anything in particular. I'm immensely regretting what little food I've eaten today because it seems to be serving no other purpose than putting more pressure on my stomach and digestive system. I almost wonder if I got food poisoning, but it doesn't seem likely. I'm sure I'd be in a much worse situation if that were true.
I left work early today because of the nausea and pain, hoping that a few hours of rest would go a long way in helping me to feel better. I can't say my situation has noticeably improved, but at least it hasn't gotten any worse. I can only hope that I'll feel better by tomorrow, my day off. I'd like to get some serious writing done tomorrow because I've stumbled on quite a few ideas lately. I woke up in the middle of last night and started carefully composing an entry based on idle sleepy thoughts. I think it came out pretty well, although I'm admittedly in no state to make a reasoned evaluation of it right now.
I think what's probably more important is the fact that I furiously jotted down a bunch of notes that I think will really help in fleshing out the overall story. If there's one thing Strands (why yes, that is a working title) lacks right now, it is direction. This is because for the longest time, I've been basically making it up as a I go along. I have some pretty strong ideas on what I want to do with Terakiel as a character but I'm also completely open to ruthlessly restructuring those ideas and going in a direction that feels right for the story I'm writing now. He is based on a character that has been in the periphery of my thoughts since I was 15 years old, if not even before that--but he's also not really that same character. He is constructed from that foundation but I'm hoping that he will eventually grow to be something more than that.
As I approach 50,000 words, I realize I've drafted a story in which not very many things actually happen. There is a lot of movement, but a considerable lack of progression. Terakiel spends a long time alone in this story. If there's one aspect that I definitely want to keep, it's that one. I think a principle theme of Strands is going to be that feel of isolation, of loneliness. Terakiel is an outcast by birth but also by choice. In many ways, it is the only method by which he can be truly comfortable. At the same time, he relies on the support of others and fundamentally needs to be a part of a community in some way. Considering the remarkable circumstances surrounding his existence, this will not be easy.
Above all else, I need to add a sense of urgency to Strands. This is the kind of thing a story gains by having a predestined direction in which to travel. I can't pretend that I have the arc of Terakiel's story completely mapped out, but I'm certainly closer than I was when I began--and even much closer than only a few days ago. I have considered important questions and what the answers to those questions might be. Although transitioning from the material I have now into a plot that has direction and progression will be difficult, I feel I'm certainly up to the task. It is important at this stage not to overly pressure myself into making a polished work. I have to understand that I am essentially working from a skeletal framework--a framework that I can build on over time until I have a solid structure.
As I explore the possibilities of this project further, certain aspects will be scrapped and others will be expanded upon. I think one critical element that is missing from this whole process is some level of peer review--but I'm not sure I'm even ready for that stage yet. As much as I am willing to be critical of my own work and as much as I admit that what I've written so far sorely needs heavy editing and even radical transformation, I feel as if I'm still quite sensitive when it comes to accepting criticism from others. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I think opening myself up to that level of criticism might somewhat deplete my enthusiasm for my work. I considered for a moment the other day the possibility of getting published. This is not an idea I've entertained since I was a teenager, when I had more passion for writing if not considerably less raw mechanical skill. I think the fact that it's on my mind is a great thing, even if it's just as unlikely as ever.
Having goals is important, especially for someone like myself. I have historically been prone to legendary bouts of apathy. When it comes to something I'm passionate about, however, I'll work hard at it. I'll go the extra mile. At the same time, finding something I'm passionate about it very difficult, and maintaining my interest even harder. This blog has been a tremendous help in heightening my focus and strengthening my resolve, even when it comes to the most trivial of things. Most importantly, it has gotten me into the swing of writing regularly. It has made me enjoy writing again. For the majority of the past six or seven years, I was sure I'd never find that passion again.
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