In the past I've use this blog as a form of primitive therapy. It has been helpful in that regard but ultimately cannot replace the ears of another human being. It would be nice if I could talk to someone I could trust--and I guess, more importantly, someone who would be willing to listen. I think even if there was someone out there who'd like to listen, I'd be self conscious about discussing my problems with them and I'd continue to minimize the importance of all of my issues. It's so easy for me to dismiss the fears and anxieties I have on a daily basis because they so often melt away by the time I sit down at my couch. Lately, that hasn't been the case.
No matter how much I try to quash my concerns, it's clear that I've been under a lot of stress lately. I'm worried about a lot of things, from economic concerns to health and emotional issues. I'm worried I won't keep my job in the long term. I'm worried I won't be able to afford to pay for my bills. I worry that I'm eating too much. I worry that I'm never going to be in a stable place in life and I worry that I've already wasted too much time. I worry that my time has passed. I feel. . .really old. I'm not old. I'm still only in my mid 20s, but considering my emotional age, I'm way behind. I feel like a teenager, and not in any of the good ways.
I'm irresponsible and I lack common sense. I have severe anxiety problems and crippling laziness. It's hard to say that I'm apathetic. That was certainly true in the past but this writing exercise has helped me greatly in becoming more self aware. The problem is that I haven't done a whole lot to change my poor behavior. It's true that getting a job at all is a huge step in the right direction, but it's really driven home just how sad my current position in life is. It's foolish to compare myself to others but it's hard not to. There are so many 18-21 year olds out there who are way more self assured and "adult" than I am. I feel like I was never taught how to be an adult.
I need to work on my self in the coming weeks. I keep telling myself "I don't know where to start," but I think figuring that out is exactly where to start. Maybe that's a paradox, but it makes sense to me. What do I need to do now? I need to figure out how to pay my bills and debts simultaneously, while still having enough money to fuel my vehicle and feed myself. I need to stop eating Taco Bell every day. That's absolutely ridiculous. I'm wasting so much money and I'm sure I've gained 10 pounds just in the past three weeks.
Beyond that, I need to clean my house. If I make small goals on a daily basis, then it doesn't seem quite so overwhelming. My first goal shouldn't be to clean the entire house from top to bottom. It might make more sense to just. . .do the dishes. My sink is fairly gross at the moment and could certainly use some care. After that's done, I'll feel like I've accomplished something and that I can get more done. That's what I'll focus on for now. I could easily start working on that tomorrow night. After that gets done, I could do whatever I want to do (after writing another blog entry, of course) and then accomplish at least one goal the following day since I don't have to work.
I'm still pretty worried about my money situation. I'm hoping my paycheck on the 23rd will be considerably more than my first, but I'm not holding my breath. If I stop wasting so much of my money, I'll feel a lot less stressed, I imagine.
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