I spend a lot of time bottling up my emotions. Even though I have a blog in which I write every single day, I still find plenty of things to avoid talking about. I worry about things constantly and it makes me a nervous wreck sometimes. It's easier for me just to ignore it all so I can arrive at even a semblance of coping. This works for me a lot of the time, but other times it just causes problems. When I block out everything around me, I find I have a harder time being honest with myself.
The truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared very often. I don't like to talk about it because I can just feel it getting ready to overwhelm me whenever I do. It would be so much easier to deal with if I just had someone I could talk to--really talk to--but I don't really have anyone like that in my life at the moment. I don't know where to being to look for that kind of person either. My job is not a great way to meet people so far, as it turns out. I like my coworkers pretty well, but they are all at drastically different stages of life than I am--and we don't really have a lot in common.
I'm scared that I'm wasting my time in every conceivable way. I get scared when I think about how much time I've wasted already. I get scared when I think about the fact that I'm 26 and I've been out of high school for 8 years. I want to think about ways to move on from this situation, but as of right now I'm overwhelmed simply with the idea of getting by. I don't make very much money as it is and I would be lying if I said I was confident that I'd be keeping this job for a long time. I think I'm good at my job and I think I have the ability to get even better, but I can't help but feel overcome with despair. I worked at Wal-Mart for four years and I was so scared of getting fired every day that I quit out of misery. I don't want that to happen again, but I'm more anxious about the idea of getting fired again than anything else.
I hate when I don't perform tasks up to my expectations. I know what I'm capable of but I watch myself fall short over and over again, even when I know I'm jeopardizing my own wellbeing. I had a job last year that wasn't a great job--but it helped to pay the bills. I didn't try hard enough and I was let go. If circumstances had been different I might have been able to stay on anyway, but that's not the point. I did not perform simple tasks as they should have been performed and as a result I lost my job and my only source of income. Instead of treating this hardship as a learning experience, I instead spiraled wildly into depression and didn't find another job for over six months.
The sad part is that it's not the first time that's happened. I quit my job at Wal-Mart because it was making me miserable and I had enough money saved up to give me time to look for something else--or so I thought at the time. I instead decided to take that free time as an opportunity to gradually destroy my relationship and settle firmly into one of the biggest ruts of my life. Luckily for me, that experience led to me moving to Austin for four months, which I can look back on as a positive time for me. I'm really glad that I went, even if the circumstances that led up to it may not have been the best.
My point is that I don't want to fall into an endless cycle. I don't want to be that guy that can't hold down a job and whines and moans about how unfair his life is. I worked at Wal-Mart for four years. As crappy as that job might have been, the stability inherent to the position was very nice. I shouldn't have given it up as soon as I did. If I had continued working there until I'd found something else, I think the course of my life would have changed considerably. Hell, I might still be working there. I can't say I'd be happy with it, but I wouldn't be in nearly as much debt and I'd probably have a few more friends than I do now.
It's useless for me to dwell on the past, but I don't think there's much harm in looking back on it and trying to learn from it. It's better than shoving it all deep inside me somewhere and trying as hard as I can to forget about it. If there's anything that can combat the anxiety I experience on a daily basis, it's a genuine willingness to try as hard as I can to succeed. If for some reason I don't make full status at my job, I can't imagine I'll be terribly upset if I genuinely tried my hardest. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I half-assed it for three months and then got the boot. I can't sabotage myself like that anymore. I just can't.
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