Today is the first day of my three days off. It's 1:36 PM and so far I have done very little of note. I plan on watching the last day of LCS this week (that's four games) and probably play some Lunar 2 while doing so. I've been thinking about what I want to do with Strands as well. I was not at all satisfied with my last entry but I felt like I had to get something out there. It's confusing and inconsistent even with itself, but it's something that I can hopefully refine and make into something decent.
I've not been having an easy time with being creative lately. Part of the problem comes from constantly writing myself into corners, but that's certainly not the only factor in play here. I'm okay with going long periods of time not contributing to Strands, but I'd like to write something good during those off times. I haven't really been making any interesting observations lately. Even when I write about video games, there is a certain energy and enthusiasm that makes that really enjoyable to me and I end up proud of the result. I'm just in a lull right now. I haven't fully committed to what I'm playing now and there's very much the feeling of dealing with unfinished business. I want to go back and finish games that I haven't played in a long time, but it's hard to form new impressions about these games.
I guess I'm feeling a bit out of sorts lately. I should be more excited that I have three days off in a row because it gives me a lot of time to play games, to think up new ideas for the story, and to write in general. Unfortunately, I can't help but dwell on the things that have been bothering me lately. I'm not making as much money as I would like and I'm able to spend only a small amount of what I do make. There are tons of things I'd like to buy but it isn't feasible for me to do so and it feels unlikely I"ll be able to save up any significant amount of money in the near future. Maybe I'll go full status at work and start making more money. That's possible, but I'm not banking on it either. I have very little confidence in myself even though I know I have the ability to do my job well. By default I assume that things will remain the same--or worse, I'll lose my job and be put in the supremely uncomfortable position of finding something new.
Adjusting to my new situation has been difficult. In most respects, my life is improving. I was unemployed for a number of months and I was really letting myself waste away. I let my hair and beard grow wildly and I stopped taking care of myself in general. After a time, I really started to look like some kind of drifter. My house also devolved into a colossal mess. Unfortunately, that still hasn't changed. Some combination of laziness and depression is preventing me from mounting the unenviable task of cleaning the house. Admittedly, I have no method of disposing of trash currently. The trash bill will have to be paid for them to start collecting it again and that's just not something I can afford right now.
On the other hand, though, I'm doing reasonably well at my new job. I got a haircut and my beard is as well-groomed as it could be under the circumstances--though I could certainly stand to buy a new razor. I finally have a working cell phone and I'm falling in love with it. It's an HTC One M8. I had an iPhone for years, but so far I really prefer Android. We'll see if it proves to have as much longevity, though. After four years, my iPhone 4 still functions really well.
I'm not sure how to transition from here. I'm in this position where I'd like to make new friends or at least reconnect with old ones but at the same time I have this crippling social phobia. Do I really know what I want? I think it would be cool to have someone to go with the movies with sometimes--or maybe some folks I could hang out with and play games. The only real social interaction I have these days is with online friends on League of Legends, but that's becoming an increasingly uncommon thing. I remember we used to play just about every day, but people have lost a lot of interest in the game or would rather play with other people. I know I personally don't play it very much myself.
I know I can't just expect things to fall in place, but I really have no idea what to do to be happy. Cleaning my house would certainly increase my happiness level, but I currently have nowhere to dispose of trash and the motivation to do so in the first place is pretty difficult to come by. I would also feel a lot better if I started going on daily runs/walks. The weather is beautiful lately and I could certainly stand to get a little sun and build up some endurance. I have a job in which I mostly sit down all day, so I'm getting very little exercise there.
In the end, words are meaningless. I need to take action. I need to find the strength to take action. How and where do I find that?
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