On fears and work anxieties

Day 386

I've been cleared to work overtime this week in an effort to reach my quota for the month, but it's looking increasingly unlikely that's going to happen. I suppose there's a possibility the district manager will take pity on my and choose to keep me on regardless, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. This whole issue has certainly been stressing me out a lot lately--although I'm not trying not to dwell on it too much. Then I sit here trying to think of a topic for a blog entry that's not Final Fantasy Tactics and it's the first thing that comes to mind. Well, I guess it's inevitable to discuss it at some point.

I don't want to lose my job. I like this job pretty well! I feel like that's something I haven't been able to say for a long time. I'm not going to claim it's the job most suited for me or that my trajectory in life is exactly what I'd like for it to be, but things are better than they have been. I don't want to go back to that deep dark hole of being unemployed and unwilling to enter the outside world. It's a hard thing to drag yourself out of and I am loathe to repeat it. As much progress as I've made in the past months, I can just see myself falling back into the same old destructive patterns as before if I'm not careful.

What can I do to stop this from happening? I'm trying to be proactive. I'm trying to make as many sales as I can and keep a positive attitude. I went in yesterday even though it was my day off because a customer wanted to deal with my specifically. It helped, but it may not be enough. My best efforts may not be enough and if that ends up being the case, I'll have to deal with that. There are other jobs out there, but finding this one was so tough that I dread going through the process again--and I lucked out, too. There are a lot of jobs that just do not suit my personality or skill set. Sales, while not necessarily my strongest point, does suit me when it comes to electronics.

I'm long overdue on working on improving myself in other ways. I used to run just about every day and I felt great about it. It was tiring and sweaty and boring sometimes but seldom did I regret it after I was done. It's mostly the boredom, the loneliness, and the sheer time investment of running that I dread the most. The pain and the sweat I can endure. My tendency to procrastinate may well be another story. It's an excuse that I have often made and a crutch I really need to stop relying on.

I'm worried and I'm tense, but as usual I'm quashing all of my fears in an effort to remain content for the time being. It's a strategy that has helped me cope with dire situations over the years and I would assume it's not entirely healthy. I don't have anyone to seriously talk to about this, so this blog is about as good as I can reasonably expect. I can only hope things that will go well for me in the coming days.