A strange set of circumstances

Day 409

I need to figure out exactly how to be a high functioning human being. I have written at length on this blog about how I struggle with daily social interactions. Some days are more difficult than others, of course--but today was surprisingly easy. I don't have a concrete explanation for why this is, but sometimes I'll have really good ideas. I'll experience a surge of confidence from an unknown source and I'll attempt to vainly recreate that feeling in the following days. The only way I've been able to somewhat recreate this feeling is by consuming mass quantities of caffeine--but of course there are multiple downsides to that.

Despite the surge of confidence I experienced today, it was ultimately not enough for me to conquer my fear and speak a brief line on the radio. A local radio station dropped by the store today and asked me and my fellow co-workers to recite some brief lines over the phone to promote the store. I started strong but didn't take a single breath through the whole thing. I felt like my stomach was going to explode and I was going to break into tears. It was terrible and stressful and terrifying. For someone who doesn't deal with social anxiety, it's difficult to explain exactly why this kind of thing is so horrifying.

It's also extremely frustrating because I feel I'm an excellent speaker if the situation calls for it. My anxiety is a barrier which I find impossible to break through. It prevents me from being the kind of person I want to be. It forces me to make illogical decisions--and I understand that will happen sometimes but I'd very much like to find a way to be more at peace with myself in general. I've gone a long way over the past few years of maturing emotionally and becoming more comfortable with my state of mind, but I still have massive issues with how I'm perceived by others and how I perceive myself, particularly when it comes to my body image.

I'm proud of the progress I've made in some areas, but sometimes I feel I'm very far away from reaching that level I want. What needs to change? Do I need to start exercising again? Of course I do, but it's not an easy thing to start or to maintain. I'm a broken record as far as this is concerned and that itself is frustrating. I can at least take solace in the fact that I'm not sitting around doing nothing. Even if I spend most of my time playing video games, I still take the time to write about them--and in entries like this, I write about how I feel about myself and my life. Is it enough? Is it enough to feel fulfilled? I wish there were more hours in the day because I would find something to do with every one of them.

Exercising on a daily basis would do wonders for my confidence and energy level, but I'm afraid to start because I don't want to disappoint myself by not keeping it up. I've kept this up and I'm not overly concerned I'll stop any time soon. I have to consider that an end must be in sight, but I'm certainly not having difficulty updating on a daily basis at this point. I think I have this desire to pile on more responsibilities for myself--but at the same time I have tremendous difficulty just keeping up with things like cleaning the house. It's a weird set of circumstances for me. I'm lazy--no doubt about that. But at the same time I'm tremendously driven. It could be said I strive to be productive in exactly the wrong ways.