Morose thoughts

Day 392

I feel like I've been going through some really weird mood swings lately. I should be happy because I hit my quota and if everything goes well I'll be offered a position as a full status employee, entitled to new benefits including commission. I am relieved about that but I don't know that I'd say I'm necessarily happy. There are too many little things in my life that aren't straightened out for me to be truly content.

I can't even begin to articulate exactly what's wrong. I don't have much of a social life but at the same time I'm not sure I really want one! A friend of mine offered to hang out recently and I sort of turned him down. He's one of my better friends and we have a lot in common and frequently play games together--but hanging out with people is a different story. It makes me uncomfortable. It's tiring in a way. I mean, there's also the fact that my house is a big pit of garbage at the moment but that's really not all there is to it. After I come home from work I crave nothing else but solitude. And then when I get a couple days off, the last thing I want to do is waste that free time by hanging out with other people--but I think over time that lack of social interaction gets to me. It takes a toll on a part of me that I don't often nurture. 

Am I depressed? Sometimes I am, sure. I don't feel particularly depressed right now and I couldn't even begin to tell you why that is. It rained today, work was really stressful, and I had to stay late to help close up. I didn't really mind, though. I like the rain and I like that the weather cooled down today. I'm looking forward to the temperature lessening in the coming months because it means I can dress differently--and that my worm uniform is more appropriate for the climate. Despite the stressful day, these small elements have combined to make me feel pretty good.

Last night, I felt pretty depressed. I think it always happens to me the night before I have to go back to work, especially if I've gotten two or more days off in a row. I think it's just that sense of dread--that realization that I'm going to have to get up and face a whole new crowd of people again after being alone for awhile. It's hard to build up the resolve to do that. It's not a big deal for most people but for me it can definitely fill me with anxiety. Once I'm actually there and in the process, it's not so bad. I feel like I manage it pretty well. The anticipation is what really gets me.

I think for me to feel consistently ok, I need to work on a few things in my life. Some of these things are really simple. I need to clean my house and my car. I need to buy new clothes. And then there's not so simple things like working out and attempting to socialize in more meaningful ways. The fact that I write every day has gone a long way toward improving my mood overall but it no longer feels like it's enough. I need to do more. I need to stop being lazy--but it's so deeply ingrained that I don't know how I'm going to stop.