Rushing and meandering

Day 420

Today I bought Persona 4 Arena Ultimax and soon I will spend some time playing it. I lucked out and received some preorder bonuses from purchasing the game even though I did not preorder it. These bonuses include an oversized set of ten tarot cards featuring arcana illustrations from the Persona series. There are others past ten so I'm not sure why they stopped there. Then again, I know very little about traditional tarot cards, so perhaps there's some other significant I'm missing. The other bonus that came with the game was an inflatable "bop bag" of Persona 4's Teddie that I evidently do not have the lung capacity to blow up. It's cool to have but I doubt I'll ever get it to stand up.

I really enjoy having little collectibles like that but I'm at a loss as to what to actually do with them. Eventually I'd like to be able to somehow display memorabilia from some of my favorite games (and other media) but I don't feel like I'm in the right place for that right now. Maybe once I move out again and feel like I'm in a more stable place, I'll work on that. Of course, my current living space seems pretty damn set in stone for the moment, regardless of how much money I'm making. I wouldn't feel comfortable moving out without some kind of roommate, anyway. I don't trust myself to shoulder the responsibility alone.

I feel I should concentrate more on maintaining this house as if it were really my own. I need to keep it clean and make it feel more like my place instead of just a place I'm staying for the time being. It's kind of a bummer to be relegated to what is essentially the place I grew up. I've lived outside of this house a lot and it doesn't make me particularly happy to be here again. Of course, circumstances tend to conspire against me time and again to cause me to end up here. I feel like there's nothing I can do about it at this point. 

There are perks to living in the middle of nowhere, of course. I never have to worry about how loud my TV and/or music is because my nearest neighbor is in the woods to the south of me. Even if she did occasionally hear my music, she's my cousin and doesn't really care. I certainly wasn't afforded that same luxury when I lived with my ex. Still, there was a certain freedom that came along with that that I greatly enjoyed. And it's not as if I'm not free where I live now, but this place does have a lot of history attached to it--and I feel it does little to help release me from my apathy. It's a tired old place full of clutter and old stuff I can't do anything with. It's never going to feel like it's mine and I don't really want it to, now that I think of it. I don't want to just resign myself to living here indefinitely. I want a place that's mine.