Some thoughts on my direction

Day 402

I'm going to choose to blame the state of lethargy I've sunken into on a variety of small factors. I haven't been drinking as much caffeine while at home, although I've certainly not abstained from it. I find the pattern of days I've been given off to be disorienting and uncomfortable. It's hard to enjoy your day off when it's always followed up by another working day. It's a silly thing to complain or whine about, but it honestly gets to me. Other than these two things, there's a reasonably long list of minor annoyances and things with which I'm unhappy--none of which have changed recently. My house isn't particularly clean and I spend 100% of my free time alone. This is not such a bad thing in many ways, but I could certainly due with the occasional interaction, provided it takes no effort from me whatsoever, of course. . .

I'm still playing games. I'm making reasonable progress--but as I've discussed at length recently, I don't have the same fervor or passion for it as I have in the past. I can sense it there beneath the surface, but I find myself becoming easily bored. It's not the fault of the game. Persona 2 is not my favorite game I've ever played but it's a considerably better game than several I've played this year and I couldn't begin to assign blame to it for provoking depression. That would be silly. 

If I lay all the cards upon the table then, I can only come to the conclusion that a lack of coffee and an unusual work schedule are to blame for my recent depression. It's probably not a great sign that I feel so dependent upon caffeine to keep myself elevated and alert, but it's been true for many years. Increasing my activity level would likely do wonders here but then I run into problems associated with both laziness and boredom. I dread exercise not only because it causes physical main and weariness but because it's generally not particularly fun. I like to walk, but it's not particularly exciting when I'm not doing something along with it. I haven't been nearly as excited about music in recent months, so that's not really a viable option for me either. 

I hate to fill this blog with entry after entry bemoaning my discontent--but I can think of no other way to resolve the issue. The reality is that while I do have problems with my life, there is nothing quite so severe that would provoke me into acting this way. I can feel the person that I really am beneath the surface, that part of myself that I admire. That part of myself that is enthusiastic, optimistic, and eager to experience new things, to open himself up to the world. I feel I've been losing that part of myself lately and I'd very much prefer to keep it! I have had immense problems with apathy in the past and it's not something to which I look forward to giving in. 

Is it possible I need some kind of change of pace? I've been so obsessed with this blog and my various projects that I haven't had time to really do anything else--or at least that's been my (likely wrong) perception. I think I am at my happiest when I feel I'm filling my day with things that are productive in some way. The word "productive" is pretty subjective in this case, because playing a video game is productive to me, especially if I'm going to be finishing it. It's something I can experience and something I can write about. Something I can analyze. 

Unfortunately, I haven't been productive in other ways. I need to clean the house and I need to do things on the broader scale like planning for my future. The only plans I've made are plans regarding video games I'm going to play. That's all well and good and it's something I'm really passionate about--but could it be that I'm in danger of burning out. Has that already happened? Would it not be a good idea to take a break and focus on something else for awhile like reading, learning to play an instrument, or even drawing? I love to be creative but this writing outlet is the only thing I have at the moment. And it's great! I'm proud of what I've accomplished here. But I think I want more.

I think some anal part of me would feel unfulfilled if I didn't make as valiant an effort as possible to attempt to beat 30 games this year. It's a silly thing to even prioritize, but it makes sense to me. After this year, I might try to change up my patterns. I'll continue to play games pretty frequently, most likely, but I won't do so attempting to meet some kind of quota. I have to meet enough quotas as it is without worrying about self-imposed ones.

Things are likely going to progress as usual for the rest of this year, but afterward I may look into restructuring what I do here at Everything All the Time. Video games are still going to feature prominently as a subject of discussion on this blog because it's something I'm pretty much always going to be doing. But there should be more. It shouldn't be the only thing that I do.