The crucial moment

Day 399

I had a rough day today for a number of reasons--but none of them were particularly valid ones. They were valid in that depression is never something that should be dismissed but under normal circumstances I wouldn't have considered it that much different from a normal day. It was very slow and uneventful for the most part. I did learn that my day off was changed so I'm not getting two consecutive days off as I'd originally hoped. That's enough to provoke some mild irritation, but not enough to spend me spiraling into depression like I did. 

At a certain point of the day, I felt incredibly vulnerable and sick. It was bizarre. It was like the weight of all of the little things I've been worrying about it crashed down on me all at once--in public, in a place where I was expected to interact sociably with a number of customers throughout the day. Compounding the severity of the situation was the fact that our district manager showed up to hang out for the day. I felt as if I was being studied and judged throughout the day, which made it impossible to relax and tell myself that things were going to be okay. He's actually a pretty nice guy, but I just couldn't calm down.

I frequently deal with depression, but its effects are often subtle or mild. I seldom have attacks like I did today and I can't really pinpoint why it happened. Frustratingly, I don't know hot best to address the issue. I'm attempting to work on a few of the things that have contributed to my general unhappiness of late, but they're all pretty small and unimportant things, at least when considered separately. I need to clean my house. I need to buy new clothes and take better care of myself in general. There are a lot of little lifestyle changes that I really need to make in order for me to be happy, I feel. 

I also need to get back to making progress on my games every night. I didn't make any progress at all on Persona 2 last night and I'm just now writing this entry at 11 PM after having continued to not play it. I've been absentmindedly watching the NA LCS promotion matches to find out if CLG is staying in. It'd be pretty surprising if they got eliminated, but that's a story for another entry, I guess. I don't talk about League of Legends all that much these days but I still try to keep up with it when I can.

On the bright side, I"ve been watching a lot of the show Hannibal and it's really great. It's been quite some time since I watched a drama and got really absorbed in it. It's a shame there's only two seasons. I may discuss it a little more in another entry, although I've been having some chats about it on Fool's Gold lately.