Malaise

Day 431

I'm feeling pretty sleepy and a little morose tonight. I have tomorrow off but I'm not feeling super excited about playing FFXIV tonight. I think it might be nice to spend some time on something else but I dunno. I want to be social but I just don't have the opportunity to do so anymore--or if I do, I'm just not recognizing and seizing the opportunities. I second guess myself and assume the worst a lot of the time. I don't really know how to move past that. A family member I hadn't seen in quite awhile said hello to me while I was doing some grocery shopping today and it made me really uncomfortable. I was self conscious about where I was in life in relation to him and he just sort of set me off-kilter for the rest of the night. I feel like I almost got into multiple car wrecks on the way home from being distracted.

I've gotta figure out some way to get out of this rut that I'm in lately. I feel very isolated and alone lately but I can't think of any good ways to work toward solving that problem--especially considering the fact that I find most social situations uncomfortable and claustrophobic. It's a paradox, really. I'm not super content being alone or with other people. I think maybe I just need to find a way to strike the right balance. I'm not sure I've ever been able to do that just the way I want to.

I can't say I'm particularly fond of restless nights like tonight. I want to reach out to someone, to socialize, and to have fun. But I don't really have the strength to do so and I feel like I'm just going to be snubbed. In some ways I already have. It's out of my hands. There's nothing I can do about it. It's best to just try to make the best of tonight, get some sleep, and hope for a better tomorrow. That's really all I've got. 

I'm probably overreacting to what essentially boils down to having an off night. It seems pretty likely that I'll feel better tomorrow, but it's hard to say at this point. I might go out and get something to eat tomorrow afternoon since I made the mistake of not really getting groceries tonight. It's a very bad habit that I can't seem to break. I'm really lazy about shopping in general. I find the whole activity to be pretty tiresome and the longer it goes the more I just want it to be over. This is especially the case when I'm doing it right after work. There's not much more I want than to just go home.

This is an entry of almost no content and I feel bad about that. I'd like to not have to resort to this kind of entry very often, but I've just not been feeling super excited the past few days. It's something I hope I can break myself out of.