My entry titles are frequently cop-outs, including this one

Day 427

I really want to start drawing again. I think I've decided just now that I'd like to do that. It doesn't have to be a constant thing, but it would be really nice if I could set aside a little time each day to draw--but I think what I'd really like to do is learn how to draw digitally with a tablet. I've owned one for several years, but it's not one of particularly great quality and I've lost the stylus for it anyway. I don't think it would be a terrible investment to go ahead and buy a new one. I feel like I used to draw every single day and I think I had some level of talent for it--but I never nurtured those talents. It's kind of the same thing with my writing. This whole exercise has been great for me in a lot of ways. The writing thing ended up being almost secondary. Perhaps drawing will be like that too. Maybe it will unlock things about me that I didn't really think about that much before.

I'll frequently get these ideas and these thoughts that I wish I could commit to the page, but words aren't enough. I want to draw this stuff. I'm definitely not a great artist but I think I have the spark. There's a little nugget of aptitude there that I could maybe coax out into the daylight. It's just--I don't know. I've spent so much time this year just doing nothing but playing video games and I haven't done a lot to develop myself in other ways. And I use the excuse that it's all for the sake of my writing. That's partially true, but it doesn't mean that it should be this all consuming thing. I should make time for other things in my life.

I'm still going to chip away at my backlog and I'm probably still going to be pretty obsessive about finishing games that I start--but I'm not going to try to tear through my backlog as quickly as humanly possible anymore. I'll hit my game #30 and probably slow down for a bit. I could easily just whip out Theatrhythm Final Fantasy: Curtain Call tonight and finish that. I'd be done with it. But I still have plenty of time before the end of the year. It's just October. I've already finished more games this year than I have the past several, so it's fine. There are other things in my life from which I can derive fulfillment. 

I guess it's a little worrying to me that I haven't felt the same passion for writing fiction lately as I have in the past. I wrote a lot of words for Strands but I haven't contributed to that story in some time now. The whole story feels like a broken record for me. Every excerpt I write is just an exploration of that particular character's thoughts and not a lot of things actually happen. It's okay to have a really introspective narrative but when read end to end the story's really quite repetitive. I have a hard time keeping it all straight in my head so I just toss in these updates that don't really advance the story. They take place in that story's world but they don't travel anywhere. 

I think I've always had a tough time internalizing the details of plot. I'm generally more concerned with the interaction between characters and I'm bored by the overarching plotline. This applies to books, to video games, to movies--all that usually matters to me are those characters and how they relate to each other. Maybe this is why I like TV shows so much more than films. TV shows are so often about getting to know characters over a long period of time. The overall narrative isn't as emphasized because it's expected that it's going to last a lot longer. Films are this self-contained thing where the viewer isn't allowed to become familiar with characters. Those characters are introduced and they are thrown into a situation in which things happen. There are no slow burning plot elements. Things happen and in two hours they are resolved for good or ill.

Is this me throwing my hands in the air in frustration? "I'm not a good writer, so maybe I should try something else." Is that how I feel? If I'm being honest, I think I'm a middling writer at best. I have potential but I don't necessarily put in the work required to be as good as I could be. I don't read books and I don't invest as much time into my writing as I probably should. Even though I update this blog every single day, that's still an incontrovertible fact. If I were really passionate about this thing, I could do more. I spent hours and hours every single day playing video games. That's something I put a lot of time into. That's something I'm "passionate" about. But maybe I'm just indulging my obsessive tendencies.

These are some words that I've just written and they are meaningful. But once I stop writing this entry, they'll probably fly from my head and I won't revisit them until tomorrow night if at all. Will I take action or will I just let these idle thoughts drift away as if they were meaningless? 

I very much want to create a world and create characters. I have created them but they're not good enough. They're not appearing in my mind's eye with the clarity I would prefer. I think that's what this drawing thing is about. I want to be able to see these characters from my head because my writing does not paint a vivid enough picture.