Rebirth

This is day 2 of my plan to start working out. Again, nothing's set in stone (and that's something I should really work on) but I'm trying to stop snacking so much and I have continued my exercises. I did some minor (like, really minor) weightlifting and a grand total of ten pushups. Yeah, that's right. Ten. I'm woefully out of shape, so even ten pushups is something of an accomplishment for me. I remember a time when I could easily crank out twenty a day without it being a big deal, but even ten requires a colossal amount of willpower for me. I'm hoping that in the coming days it gets easier and I can start doing more. I'm in a lot of pain, so it must be working.

My primary goal isn't necessarily to lose weight. I really want that to happen because my weight is a huge source of embarrassment and self-loathing--but I can't count on it going away in a really noticeable way. What I want to improve on is my strength, my endurance, and my energy. My energy level has historically been super low (which explains my reliance on energy drinks) but I think my sedentary lifestyle plays a huge role in why that is. I never leave my house and I spend a considerable amount of time sitting in front of my computer monitor playing games. So I'm working out. I'm going to do it every day. I'm not going to promise that I adhere to an incredibly strict regimen, but it doesn't put me out at all to do some pushups, lift some weights, or go for a short run every day. I can combine these in any way I want. I'm also cutting out snacking late at night, though I'm not being super restrictive on what I actually eat. These are baby steps for me. I can't try to do everything all at once because I'll just fail right away. I know that would happen.

If I ease into this and do things in a way that don't feel like they're drastically inconveniencing me, I think I can make it work. And who knows, if I stick to it, maybe I can gradually scale up. I can start going on actual runs. I enjoy running a lot--it's just that my lungs don't enjoy it all that much. Every time I go for a run I find myself sputtering pitifully on my knees wanting to die. It's not about my endurance or leg strength so much as it is my lung capacity. And that sucks because I feel like my body is betraying me. It's this gargantuan, clumsy frame that's working against me--preventing me from doing the things I want to do. So I'm going to do all I can to reform it, to reshape it into something I'm actually proud of. I'm taking these steps so I can become a better person, physically and mentally. I'm returning to what this blog once was. It's a journey into a better me.

I'm not sure why I ever lost sight of that.

It can be so easy for me to retreat into myself and to give in to my every compulsion. I let it happen over and over again. I think part of it is because I'm waiting for someone to come and rescue me from my haze. But that's most likely not going to happen. I live in the middle of nowhere in a country town populated primarily be people who are nothing like me. I'm capable of getting along with a lot of people, but when it comes right down to it, mine and their values are not aligned. I have friends in this place, but they're casual ones. I believe in the possibility of making more--more than the friends I have online--but I have to put myself out there to do that. Putting myself out there is like this terrifying thing to do because of my neuroses about others, about myself--and about how others view me. The steps I'm taking will help to remedy that.

Even if I don't undergo some kind of stunning physical transformation over the next year, I hope that I will fill revitalized mentally. I want to have more energy, to be more outgoing, and to feel better about myself in so many ways. I want to be more creative and more productive. I want to throw off this heavy cloak of depression and embrace the sunlight. Every so often I've just gotta give myself a nice hard rap on the head to get myself to wake up and live my life in a way that makes sense. I hope I've managed to do that again.