Spiral

Looks like that cold front I've been hearing about has finally come in. It's absolutely frigid tonight--and here's me with nothing more than a mediocre space heater for comfort. I don't mind all that much though, to be honest. The cold is a little uncomfortable, but at least I can dress warm and huddle up under some blankets. It also helps that I just recently purchased some new warm clothing to wear. I should be set, even if temperatures dip even lower than they are now.

Today was Halloween and work was way busier than I expected. Unfortunately, we were also lacking in coverage. I don't know if everyone asked off for Halloween or what, but man did that holiday not stop people from streaming in and demanding cell phones. I'm glad I got more sales but I was busy from the time I came in to the time I clocked out. We only had two salespeople scheduled for the day and there wasn't honestly a ton of overlap between our shifts. My co-worker was gone by 4 o'clock and I came in at 1. The manager and assistant manager had to help out to process the huge crowd of customers--which is honestly not something they do a lot.

I've been making mistakes at work lately and although I feel I can correct them, I'm worried about what kind of precedent I'm setting. If I keep screwing up, I wonder how much longer my manager (or even the district manager) will want to keep me there. It's something I worry about frequently and it generally puts me in a sour mood. I've been having a tough time in general actually relaxing and being happy lately--for reasons that I can't really ascertain. I'm not eating nearly as much as usual, so I imagine that must have something to do with it. Of course, I'm not getting a lot of sleep either, but that's really nothing new.

I can't think of any job I've ever had where I wasn't worried about getting fired. I so frequently get flustered and screw things up--or worse, I'm just lazy about getting my work done. It's something about myself that I earnestly wish to change, but these things are easier said than done. Suffice to say, though, I'd be devastated if I were to lose this job. It's not an amazing job, but it's honestly probably the best I've ever had. Taking my commission into account, I'm making quite a lot of money--and on part time hours, too! The work is frequently quite stressful and I am tasked on a daily basis with interacting with real human beings in ways that make me uncomfortable. But I don't think I'm going to ever have a job where I'm not required to interact with other people in some way. It's silly to shrink from that responsibility.

I've been trying really hard lately to feel better about myself, but circumstances beyond my control--and ok, some things that are in my control--keep getting in my way. I'm worried about my work performance and the mountain of paperwork I'm required to familiarize myself with in order to be prepared for every ridiculous niche scenario. I'm on disciplinary probation right now for an unreported cash variance--and it happened again tonight! It was only 36 cents and I reported it, called the customer, and fixed the error--but it still happened again. On consecutive nights. That must surely look bad for me. I honestly don't remember it happening at all, but then I never do. It's immensely frustrating how little control I seem to have over my own actions sometimes.

I doubt strongly I'll be fired over a 36 cent cash variance, but it's the pattern of behavior that worries me more. As much as I'd like to believe I can perform my job consistently, I have to wonder how many more times I can screw up before the management decides that enough is enough. I just feel like I have a time limit and that really depresses me.