Climb

So, it actually feels pretty refreshing to not feel obligated to update every day, but at the same time I really wonder what I've lost with my decision. It's ten days into the month and I've only updated a single time. It was a decent entry--but let's stop and think about this for a second. I used to be able to come up with something to say every single day and only occasionally did I feel like I was really struggling to come up with topics for discussion. I don't want to become complacent. If the quality of my writing was wavering, then fine--it's good that I've done this. It's good that I'm making more of an effort to relax and not subject myself to so many personal challenges. Besides, the challenges I impose on myself aren't usually the most productive ones. They usually involve video games or writing. That's really it. Obviously I care about these two things a lot, but I'm not getting the things accomplished that I wanted to do--like working out and like cleaning my house. I've talked about these things so much but they're still not done, not consistently.

What is it that I'm waiting for exactly? Am I expecting someone to give me a nudge to accomplish the things I want to do? Shouldn't that desire be all that I need? As disheartening as it might be sometimes, I have to seriously come to terms with the fact that I am aging rapidly and I need to learn how to motivate myself and to seriously try to accomplish the things that I want for myself. I can talk all I want about taking baby steps and setting small goals for myself--and believe me, I have! I've talked about it a lot. But I can't even follow up on those goals so I don't know why I keep hoping I can accomplish greater things. The things I want aren't just going to fall into my lap. I have to make an effort and keep climbing the hill, even when it's uncomfortable for me to go on.

I made a small list of things that I wanted recently--and for a period of time I did my best to go after those things. I spent a lot of money on clothes and I got a drastic haircut. I loved the clothes but grew to hate the haircut. I let my dissatisfaction grow into obsession until I could barely concentrate on what I was doing on a daily basis. I got a second haircut in an effort to repair the first one--and I like it now for the most part, even if it's still not quite what I want. It's so frustrating to me that I can't ever get things to work just the way I'd like. It's frustrating that I put a lot of myself into something but then I lose motivation and succumb to depression--and I backslide. I slide down the hill and I'm overwhelmed with the work it would require to climb back up. It happens over and over in ways big and small.

This blog served as an anchor for me in my life. It was something that I did every day and tried really hard to accomplish. But I think I also used it as a crutch. I felt like if I took the time to write a blog entry every night then I wouldn't feel bad when I didn't do other things like clean or exercise. Or socialize. Now that I'm not updating as frequently, I'm finding more time for these things. I'm not exercising nearly often enough, and cleaning has certainly been an intermittent thing. I've been hanging out with a friend of mine every so often, though. I even drove to a nearby town I've been afraid of driving in for years. I'm trying to break out of my comfort zone a little. I'm taking baby steps--but I still can't find it in myself to be satisfied or anywhere even close to content.

I need to make greater strides in changing myself--but every time I think about the work that would require, I am consumed by the enormity of it. It's terrifying. But you know, if I really think about it, I have changed in a lot of ways over the last year or so. I don't think I'll ever be this incredible social butterfly. I'll always be anxious and nervous in social situations. The only thing I can change is how easily I take those emotions in stride, how easily I cope with them. I think what I've improved on the most is the ability to be self aware and to be honest with myself. I feel like I'm not the kind of person that has to pretend that he's something he's not. I'm a nerd. I'm not masculine. I'm overweight and uncomfortable in social situations. I think these things will always be true to a certain extent. I'm learning to embrace these things about myself. Grappling with body image issues is by far the most difficult aspect of that for me.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to this blog. I'm not going silent. There's still a ton I want to talk about and to write about. There's too much for me to express that I simply can't share with anyone else in my life. And yeah, I'll get back to the video games at some point. I'm still planning a huge retrospective entry on the games I've played this year to be written sometime in December. I think it might be a great idea to start planning it now. It's been on my mind lately. There's still quite a few big games coming out this month that will color my whole perspective on the year. I'll have plenty of writing material once this month is over.