Checking in

Let's take a moment, shall we, to discuss what pitiful reasons I might have to have entirely skipped the month of April for updating this blog. I have no good reasons to share other than my dreadful tendency toward laziness. I've continued to play games and I've continued to adhere strictly to my diet--if not my exercise plan. I've made a few trips to the gym but I haven't been going nearly as often as I'd originally planned. Some of this has to do with social anxiety, but far more of it has to do with simply being lazy.

Laziness is such an insidious and depressing vice of mine that I feel I am doomed to struggle against on a daily basis. It is fueled by but separate from my depression. If I were happier I'd find myself with better tools to combat my laziness but I feel pretty strongly that it'd always be there. Whether I like it or not, it seems to be an irrevocable part of my personality. On good days, I'll be able to overcome or even ignore my lazy tendencies, but unfortunately, I've found it very difficult to want to get off the couch lately unless I'm absolutely required to do so.

Despite my poor track record at the gym, my weight loss continues to progress at a satisfying rate. I weighed in at 213 on Saturday, which is roughly 40 pounds from my starting weight. My body shape has visually changed and I've gone down a couple of pants sizes and I feel pretty comfortable wearing a large shirt--but my discomfort with my body and anxiety about my body have not gone away. In some ways, I feel more stressed out about it than before because I'm now less complacent about the state of my health. Because I'm no longer in denial I find myself forced to confront the way I really am and just how out of shape I was and continue to be. I can only hope that my feelings will improve as I continue to shed more weight--and perhaps more importantly that I will overcome my sloth and get my ass to the gym on a regular basis. I went recently and pushed myself really hard and that felt good after the ache subsided. Now that the pain is almost completely gone I feel like a slob! If I don't remain in constant motion I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm failing a lot.

It would have been so easy for me with my vast amounts of free time to visit this blog and write entries, most likely about the games I've been playing. I certainly have things to say about them. I've started to feel a little weird, however, about writing about my fitness journey. I almost feel like I'm jinxing myself even though I haven't yet plateaued. I'm continue to lose weight at a steady pace but I'm afraid that I'll stop and start gaining it back at any minute. Those fears aren't completely without a basis even though I have been very consistent with my diet. I have to exercise. It's important. Even if I do maintain the diet and continue to lose weight, I'll still be flabby and unappealing.

Self loathing and anxiety aren't typically great motivators, but when I'm sinking I'll grab anything that seems like it'll keep me afloat. I'm just worried that even if I do chisel my body into something much more appealing, my anxieties will remain--except this time it'll be called body dysmorphia because in reality I'll have nothing with which I should be concerned. That would be better than my current situation, I guess.

Honestly, I have a whole world of thought I'd like to explore, but it's late and the caffeine I've consumd is really doing a great job of blocking my thoughts from getting out. I have games to talk about and more to discuss on my current mental state--but that'll have to wait for another entry. Let's hope I follow up in less than a month this time.